Brutal rule keeps my parents apart
THEY call dementia the long goodbye. The initial onset is the desperation of a mind trying to grasp what is receding from memory, uncharacteristic behaviour and the slow disappearance of your loved one. The day comes when they no longer recognise you. Their physical, mental and spiritual deterioration into a mere shell. all of this is brutal to watch and you would think there could be nothing worse, but there is. Covid-19 has meant those precious moments when your relative may still recognise you are being lost. They are slipping away behind locked doors, video screens and visits on the other side of a window. My mother, who has advanced dementia, screamed lucidly through a pane of glass about her husband of 56 years: ‘This is ridiculous! am I never going to hold his hand again?’ I am not criticising care homes as I recognise their jobs are hard and they have guidance to follow. So many elderly people have died in care homes throughout the Covid-19 outbreak. The home where my mother lives has been as supportive as it can. However, a hairdresser can touch her hair, but I can’t. I see a fraction of the people that hairdresser does. a member of the care staff can hold her hand, but I can’t. They are holding other hands, which I don’t. even if my father were to wear full PPE, he is not allowed to hug his wife. My mother always taught me to stick up for the underdog and those who can’t speak for themselves. I’m doing this for her and all the other patients and their relatives kept apart. I’m a resilient person, yet I am finding this traumatic. Is my memory of my parents going to be witnessing their agony through a pane of glass? Their joy at seeing each other just once a week after they used to visit every other day for hours? The most basic human need to comfort is being denied. I have seen my father slumped against the building bawling because he can’t hold his wife’s hand. My mother shouts at me because I can be with him and she can’t. Many of the thousands of people with dementia in care homes must feel abandoned so the families also carry that burden of guilt. and yet there are safe ways for families to spend time together. relatives should be able to use the same protection and apply the safety guidance as care staff so they can hug their loved ones. It needs to happen now not only because to deny this contact is inhumane, but in my mother’s words, it’s ridiculous.