I had the fake tan, the big muscles. I was playing for Scotland but then it was all over at 21. I was suicidal...
TOM PHILIP OPENS UP ON THE HEARTACHE OF SEEING HIS RUGBY CAREER CRUELLY RIPPED AWAY DUE TO INJURIES AND DEPRESSION
MAKING his Scotland debut at the age of 20 was a dream come true for Tom Philip. A rising star of Scottish rugby, great things were expected of him. But his time at the top ended as quickly as it had began. After just five games starting at centre in the 2004 Six Nations, his rugby union career was over. He never played for club or country again.
A spate of serious injuries, made worse by the crippling depression that he has battled all his life, saw the SRU decide not to renew his contract with Edinburgh. He was just 21.
‘When I lost my rugby at such a young age, I felt I had lost my identity. And I am sure I am not alone in feeling like that, as there is so much pressure on rugby players these days to keep playing and to succeed,’ says Philip, now 37. ‘I felt useless. My confidence hit rock bottom. I had suicidal thoughts.
‘I had the big muscles, the fake tan. I was a reasonably big guy in good shape if you just looked at me. I was going out at night to clubs and bars and outwardly looked fine, but I was intentionally fooling people. I didn’t want them to know I was in so much pain mentally that my career was over at 21. I was in a very dark place.
‘I had lost the joy of going out on the rugby pitch, which was my safe place, and struggled to come to terms with that.
‘Rugby was my everything. But I was depressed and anxious off the pitch even up to kick-off. And I couldn’t bring myself to even sing the national anthem before the Ireland game because I was so anxious. I was in a real state even as I was fulfilling my dream of playing for Scotland in that Six Nations.
‘But once I started to play, there was a rage inside me where I got my frustration out. I loved making big hits and did a few on Brian O’Driscoll in my last game for Scotland. Little did I know that would be it for me, as good as it would get.’
Philip chooses his words carefully when asked about how he was dealt with by SRU officials and Edinburgh’s management team after they told him his time at the club he had signed for as an 18-year-old was over.
‘Let’s just say that no doubt times have changed and I hope players l i ke Matt Smith of Glasgow (who gave up rugby at 22 after becoming disillusioned with the game) is getting more support at the end of his career than was around in my day.
‘I spent a lot of my time there near the end trying to convince them I was carrying injuries, and through the years I had a back operation, a double hernia and bust my knee when away with Scotland. I told them when I signed as a teenager I suffered from depression, too, but it wasn’t really mentioned again from their end.
‘ My mental health and OCD, anxiety, was always bad, but got really worse when I was told I had no future at Edinburgh.
‘I could have tried to find other clubs, but the injuries were so bad at the time and my confidence was really low. I had nothing. At t i mes, I couldn’t get out of bed. I was broken.
‘I am sure that other young sportsmen and women have experienced that, too.’
Philip has taken the brave decision to tell his heartbreaking story to Sportsmail to mark World Mental Health Day. He wants to tell those suffering from depression — especially sportsmen and women who have had their dreams shattered through injury or mental-health problems — that they are not alone.
He was inspired to tell his story after being helped through his own darkest hours by the likes of Jonny Wilkinson and Rob Parker, both of whom have talked openly about their own mental-health issues.
‘I have covered this up for years, so the words don’t come out easy. But I am sure there are lots of others out there in my situation, which is why I am speaking out today,’ says Philip (left). ‘There will be some players in all types of sports, men and women, who have had their careers cut short by injury or depression and don’ t know where to t urn. Their mental health will suffer. They will struggle to let go of their dreams. ‘I want them to realise they are not alone and I am here to help them if they need it, as other players have helped me.
‘After I retired, I got an email address for Jonny Wilkinson f rom my f riend Mike Blair (former Scotland captain) and sent him a message explaining how low I felt and how I was struggling to come to terms with my depression — and did he have any advice and how did he cope with similar things?
‘I got an email back saying he thought after reading what I had written that I was in a bad place and he would l i ke to help personally and asked for my phone number. Next day, I got a call from him and he gave me advice and was superb with me.
‘We talk from time to time and I was very grateful for his help but, in the end, to be honest, I didn’t want to bother him too much as he had been so great to me and I knew he was such a busy man. This was an England World Cup winner who had gone public with his own problems who found time for me. I want to do the same for others if they need help as I can feel their pain.’
Philip’s smile and engaging manner as we walk along Cramond seafront in Edinburgh masks what has been a tough l ockdown f or t he f ormer Scotland player. He checked himself into a clinic for what he described as painkiller addiction and then was transferred to a psychiatric hospital when things got too much. He is now on a strong anti- depressant and back in his flat in Leith. A lifelong struggle with mental health problems saw him taken out of Edinburgh Academy at the age of ten as he struggled to cope with the world around him.
That was the start of an emotional roller-coaster ride for the man who thought he had found his salvation in rugby before it was cruelly taken away.
‘I couldn’t cope with the world at primary school and the problem was that severe that I was put on medication at ten and have been medicating ever since,’ he says.
‘I felt such a burden on my family, who have been terrific through it all, especially my mum, who has been fantastic, but it has been so tough. Depression and anxiety is invisible, you see, and I struggled to get people to believe me when I said I was injured and struggling mentally when I was playing with Edinburgh and Scotland. I suppose it is still the same when people first meet me to this day.
‘Depression and anxiety have blighted my whole life. I was coaching at Edinburgh Accies with Ian Barnes and even had a go at trying to resurrect my career at rugby l eague with Whitehaven, but that never worked out and I should have never tried to even go there. I then came back a nd was coaching at Haddington, which I loved, but things got so bad at times that I was struggling to talk, got double vision and I was in a real state. I felt such a failure. I think that is a common feeling for people with depression as they think everything is their fault, but it’s not. It is just the chemicals in their brains, the way they are wired.
‘I have been through a lot and depression and anxiety have changed my life completely, but I hope my story will help others.’
● Tom Philip was talking exclusively to Sportsmail to mark World Mental Health Day tomorrow. Prioritising mental health has never been more important. More details can be f ound at www.mind.org.uk/ get-involved/ world-mental
health-day/