’Tis the season to limit yourself to essential jolliness only

IT’S A Christmas miracle! Patrick Harvie, a typically reliable elf in Nicola Sturgeon’s workshop, piped up that she might possibly be wrong about festive lockdown rules. The wee man reminded the boss that she had put the country under stringent measures to buy everyone some Christmas respite, but didn’t assess whether the plan was working before announcing the five-day breather.

‘Instead of waiting to find out whether those measures were effective,’ he told her, frostier than a snowman, ‘the Governments of the four nations committed in advance to the Christmas relaxation.’

Harvie cited editors of medical journals who said that the decision was ‘rash’ and ‘will cost many lives’.

The grouchy Grinch of the girning Greens would have us all spending Christmas in a recycled wigwam dining on pine cones and debating whether to cancel the Virgin Mary for assuming her boy child’s gender. Even so, he had a point about the ham-handed way Sturgeon had gone about things.

‘I do not think the decision was rash,’ she came back. ‘It was carefully considered and agonised over – as I have said before, these decisions are always agonised over, because they are not straightforward.’

YESTERDAY’S Covid statement was shaky from the start. Sturgeon insisted we were ‘in a much better position than in late October/early November and, as of now, in a much better position than many other countries’.

But in the past week, prevalence and transmission of the virus had risen.

It’s almost as if having people stuck indoors for long periods in close proximity to other members of their household hasn’t been the Covid-killer the First Minister’s advisers hoped for.

Sturgeon also addressed reports of a new variant of coronavirus. Covid-20, the worst sequel since Jaws: The Revenge, has already been detected in Glasgow. The First Minister said the latest iteration of the virus ‘might be more transmittable, with a faster growth rate than existing variants’, but it might simply be showing up in high-transmission areas.

Mind you, Christmas looks closer than ever to being cancelled.

Previous statements outlining the fiveday amnesty were delivered through gritted teeth, so if the UK Government caves to critics and kiboshes its own brief grace period, expect Sturgeon to tear a path to her podium to announce more draconian measures.

Christmas crackers banned as viral vectors. North Pole placed in Level 4. Life without parole for Salvation Army carollers. That sort of thing.

In a bloodless monotone, she added: ‘I would urge the utmost caution.

‘If you can avoid mixing with other households over Christmas, especially indoors, then please do so.’ ’Tis the