Jonathan Watson on why it’s the final whistle for Only an Excuse?
For many, it is a New Year fixture just like whisky and shortbread... but Jonathan Watson explains why it is finally time to bring down the curtain on OnlyAnExcuse?
IT is a story that begins and ends with William Mcilvanney. it has a plot of magic realism. Anyone for Denis Law in Times square? it has real magic, too. Graeme souness dispensing tips on panto fees, steve Coogan exchanging quips, Brian Cox as Marlon Brando and the ibrox crowd chanting a catch phrase.
Jonathan Watson, too, can settle the riddle of Where’s the Burdzz? And reveal how a garage in Bearsden on a Ne’erday morning was his version of reading the runes, gauging reviews.
All of the above is in the way of a farewell present. Only an Excuse? has heard the final whistle. This year’s episode will be the last. Watson — the alter ego of such as Frank McAvennie, souness, the Lawman and so many others — is ready to leave this particular stage. He is, though, suitably primed with stories as we sit in different postcodes in a vast BBC studio.
it all started with Mcilvanney. The voice of one of scotland’s greatest authors was the soundtrack to Only a Game? — a wonderful homage to and history of scottish football, first broadcast in 1986.
Phil Differ, writer and diffident genius, took up the idea of creating a parody and ran with it with the energy of Forrest Gump on speed.
We wanted to call it a day on our terms... you can’t go on for ever
A radio show was proposed and made in the same year as the original. Only an Excuse?, the telly show, followed in 1993. it sought to examine scottish football with humour and with an insight that could be both sharp and oddly affectionate.
it became a staple of Hogmanay TV. it brought characters into the living room that would have been barred from the most primitive of pubs. it brought laughter, too. The end, though, was agreed swiftly and smoothly.
‘i feel very privileged to be a part of all that,’ says Watson. ‘But you can’t go on for ever. Philip and myself did a post-mortem after last year. We have worked together a long time and we have developed a shorthand between ourselves.
‘The figures had held up well but we decided that i f we were commissioned again we should maybe think about making it our last. We felt that if you are going to stop, then you want to stop when it is still getting the figures. it was time to call it a day on our terms. it was important for us to do that.’
The show was i ncreasingly cri t i ci s ed online. But t hen everything is. Watson preferred his more personal t ake on reactions to the show.
‘i would walk down to Hillfoot garage in Bearsden on Ne’erday for the papers and people would let me know that they thought,’ he adds.
‘There was so much warmth. i know it has come in for criticism over the years. That it wasn’t as good as last year or whatever. But as an i ndividual i have only experienced warmth about the programme. That means a lot to me.’
The truth, of course, is that Watson and the team created something that became a fabric of New Year in the same way as first foots, steak pie and written apologies on the behest of HR after-office parties.
The scripts spawned phrases that have become part of the scottish vernacular. Watson, a consummate actor, created his versions of the greats. His ability can be summarised in the observation that McAvennie now seems to be playing Jonathan Watson playing McAvennie.
‘Frank has always said that he has never uttered the phrase: “Where’s the burdzz?” says Watson. ‘But a guy who worked for the BBC says he was in Baird’s Bar (in the Gallowgate) once and Frank walked into the empty pub, looked around and said those very words.’
Watson chuckles at this, noting that the most important factor is the creation, not the impersonation. He is, after all, an actor. He has worked most prominently recently on Bob Servant and Two Doors Down. The former brought him on to the screen with Brian Cox.
‘The thing about impersonations is that most actors can do them. it is part of the job,’ he says. ‘ Alex Norton does a great James Mason. Elaine (C smith) has a wonderful Cilla and Brian does Marlon Brando perfectly.’ Of course, he does.
‘steve Coogan does everyone brilliantly,’ he adds. ‘i did a scene for Alan Partridge with him. it was surreal. You come out of your dressing room and Alan Partridge comes towards you. The script had changed completely overnight and he said to just take it page by page. We were finished early. He was great to work with. i learned so much.’
And what of the theory that Coogan i nhabits Partri dge constantly on set? ‘Yes, absolutely,’ says Watson. ‘it is reminiscent of Daniel Day-Lewis’ style of method acting. it’s said that in the Last of the Mohicans the rest of the cast would be getting a minibus up the hill to shoot a scene and Daniel would be behind, running up with a musket.’
it brings forth an idea. Daniel Day-Lewis as Jim Baxter in a rewritten My Left Foot? More surreal scenes were shot for Only an Excuse?.
His favourite moment on t he s how is easily recalled. ‘it was 1994 and we convinced the BBC to do a World Cup special in America when scotland had not qualified,’ he says. ‘We were in Times square with all the lights flashing, the tourists milling about and several camera crews doing different things on different shows for different countries. i was dressed as Denis. so there i was under the neon lights, looking down the barrel of the lens and saying: “Welcome to soccer Babylon”. What a thrill.’
This prompts memories of a reallife encounter with the Lawman, who was famously dubbed as such because he was called Law and was a man.
‘i was doing a speech at the centenary of Queen’s Park at Hampden,’ says Watson. ‘Denis sweeps into the suite, dressed like an actor manager with the long coat, the cashmere scarf flung over the shoulder, the hair standing on end.
‘ i was speaking to Rangers historian David Mason when Denis comes over. We are all looking out over the pitch, the grass perfectly lit under the floodlights, when David says to Denis: “Being here, looking out at Hampden in all its glory, it must bring back fantastic memories?”
‘There is a pause as Denis looks out the window. He then says: “No”. And sweeps away to the next gathering.’
Watson’s guffaws at the memory of such comic timing on the part of a football great. ‘Remember, Denis was a real player. He won the Ballon d’Or. Which is French, of course, for Ballon d’Or.’
The quotation of a famous line
for the show leads him to dismiss any suggestion that the subjects were put out by the impersonations.
‘I seem to remember that Gordon McQueen was not too happy about Tony (Roper) doing him but I can’t remember anyone being annoyed with me,’ adds Watson.
Indeed, Kenny Dalglish once rang him up to ask him to do something for charity and seemed tickled by the use of ‘ mibbes aye, mibbes naw’. This, like so much of Only an Excuse?, blurs the line between reality and invention. Did King Kenny ever utter the phrase?
‘Who knows?’ says Watson. ‘But I remember I was at Ibrox — I used to go regularly because I had a season ti cket — and i t was probably about the time Kenny was at Celtic with John Barnes. I was spotted and a chant of “mibbes aye, mibbes naw” broke out.’
Reality and i nvention, too, collided with Souness. Watson adds: ‘I wanted to do him and it all fell into place when I heard him on telly saying of Terry Butcher: “You know, he was a better player than I first thought”.’
The voice of Souness echoes in the studio. There is another pause. ‘I first met him in the ’ 90s at a dinner in Glasgow,’ says Watson. ‘I was doing panto, so I arrived late and sat down next to him and his partner. He immediately said: “How much do you get for panto? Frank Bruno gets ten grand a week?” I muttered something about not getting anywhere near that but his partner then started whispering to me to do Graeme. I worked up the courage.
‘I let the conversation flow and then broke into his voice, saying: “You know, this is a better Chinese restaurant than I first thought”. He picked it up right away and went along with it.’
Many of the subjects will be part of the farewell show. There are interviews with them, a highlights reel and some new material. The departure f rom the screens, though, does not mean it is all over. Some people are not only on the pitch, but made a pitch. Only an Excuse? will be the subject of a podcast now being recorded that will focus on the history, origins and inside story of the programme.
However, the lights have been dimmed on the TV show for ever.
‘After we filmed the last scene, Philip said a few words. Some people have been with the show all the way through,’ says Watson. ‘I then had to do some l i nks. I thought I was finished but the director came into the booth and said there was one more to do.
‘It was a Willie McIlvanney voice. Willie was the first voice we did on the programme and then he was the last. It had come full circle. It was a good way to end.’
There is a moment of almost sombre recollection of the meeting between the end of a special programme and the remembrance of a great author and unwitting inspiration who died five years ago.
There is no way that Watson is going to leave without a laugh, however. ‘Willie was doing a film in the BBC and I was working in the building, too,’ says Watson of a day long ago when Only an Excuse? was taking its first steps.
‘I was recording in a booth when I looked up to see Willie filling the frame of the door. He just said: “Outside ****”.’
It was the most sincere of tributes. Air kisses and kind words are for luvvie land. In Scotland, the doffing of a bunnet to a love letter to fitba’ can only be made with a growling voice and the threat of f aux violence. There is fun in all that but truth, too. Only an Excuse? had both.