Is my Mr Perfect a cruel narcissist?

DEAR BEL,

I WAS swept off my feet by the perfect man — charming, sociable, confident, intelligent. We met when people were first coming out of lockdown. He wasted no time in spending quality time with me.

Lockdown had left me feeling alone and in need of excitement, so I gave him a chance . . .

A few things left me uneasy, but I overlooked them. He seemed to test my boundaries a lot: eye contact was intense, sometimes I felt watched. He’d tease me in front of others, then tell me to lighten up.

I felt looked after, but not his equal. Subtle comments revealed a derogatory attitude towards women. One time he phoned and blamed me for something not my fault. I stood up for myself and ditched him. Then Mr Perfect returned.

He’d shower me with attention and flattery, but subtle putdowns, too. So — ‘You’re an attractive girl, but blondes find it harder to get taken seriously — some men will think you’re dumb’. And, ‘You’ve got such a great body, imagine if you could be bothered to go to the gym.’ Things like that.

I put it down to him being a straight-talking man who knows what he wants. His comments sounded almost constructive.

The first time we had sex felt like borderline assault. He pushed, I caved. The sex was unusually painful, with no foreplay, I felt used. Afterwards, he cuddled me, but complained I hadn’t given him any positive signal. The next time was better, but still on his terms.

He acted like he thought he was a director in the bedroom. He has a lot of personal problems and now the dynamic is: he feeds me bits of consideration and warmth, then goes to dismissive. If he can sense there’s a particular type of attention I’d like, he withholds it.

I should move on, but my body craves him. I pine for the man who first showered me with attention.

Friends I’ve spoken to say he sounds horrible: a master manipulator. Should I tolerate the pain or resist the urge to spend time with him?

DAWN

You won’t be surprised to learn I am totally with your friends and think this man sounds as far from being ‘perfect’ as I am from making millions by becoming a hip-hop star. I know readers will feel the same. We can all try to be sympathetic when people are quite obviously deluded, but sometimes the moment comes when you want to shout: ‘For heaven’s sake, think about what you are doing!’

That’s how both of this week’s problems make me feel.

Let me be frank. I do know what it is like to be sexually enthralled by a man, to know it’s the wrong thing, yet feel incapable of giving him up. I can even summon up a dire memory (after so many decades) of feeling utterly abject in my longing — and ashamed.

It’s because of that experience that I must do what your friends have tried — and warn you against taking this bad relationship any further.

None of this should need to be said, because it’s all in your email. Those ‘warnings’ quite early on should have been enough for you, and that first experience of rough sex would have been a red light for most women.

Why were you so needy, so desperate that you let him continue to put you down in front of people, to utter veiled insults, and to exercise control in myriad ways?

The subject line of your email is ‘Problem recovering from a narcissist’. You’ve probably looked up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and recognise the traits. Look again — and be warned.

At the moment, you are still involved with him and want my advice about how to ‘tolerate the pain’. Well, Dawn, I believe such pain should never be tolerated, and you should have more dignity and belief in your own worth even to try.

Yes, that old physical craving is hard to deal with, but that doesn’t make it impossible.

You haven’t said you love this man, so we’re only talking about sex — a physical itch — and though it’s a powerful force, it can be controlled.

If not, everyone would be bonking everyone else all the time!

So this is what you have to do. Ditch him finally — for once, for all, for ever.

If you don’t, he will make your life a misery. I know you know that.

He may have ‘problems’, but you aren’t his keeper, so shove him away before he takes it as his right to punish you.