WATCH OUT, 007, THE CIA’S GOT YOU IN THEIR SIGHTS

MY SECRET source in the production office of the new James Bond movie tells me they are seriously worried. With only months to go before it’s due to hit our cinemas, our friends across the water have dropped a bombshell. The CIA have come up with something that could prove lethal for the movie’s success. They have just released a new recruitment video which will make 007 look about as relevant to the world of modern espionage as a biplane is to a nuclear bomber. The star of the video is no pale, stale male who thinks ‘woke’ is the opposite of sleep. She is so much more than just a spy. She is an ‘intersectional cisgender millennial officer’. Try that for size, Mr Bond! And there’s much more where that came from. Bond may think he’s learned a few tricks since Q first taught him the ropes, but I wonder how he’s managing to cope with ‘imposter syndrome’. His CIA comrade has not only conquered it but no longer ‘internalises misguided patriarchal ideas’. She proudly tells the world: ‘I am a walking declaration… I am unapologetically me.’ Are you getting the picture Mr Bond? Your macho posturing is even more outdated than the hidden machine gun on your first Aston Martin. So no, Mr Bond, you are not going to die. You are going to be cancelled.