How can I help my son cope with his dad’s death?

DEAR BEL,

TWENTY-NINE years ago, I left my husband and three sons for another man. We married and are still together. The guilt stays with me; no doubt my selfish act affected them all.

When I fell for Ed, Will and I had been married for 21 years, with faults on both sides. The divorce was difficult. I saw the boys regularly, my middle son came to live with us a year later. My eldest was off travelling the world. The youngest, Tom, probably found it most difficult.

Move to 2008. My eldest (a young father) died of cancer; my youngest (then 29) had a breakdown and came to live with us. My husband Ed and I supported him during mental illness. Eventually, Tom improved — and now has a partner and a house.

By then my relationship with my ex was good. Then last year came the phone call to say Will had passed away suddenly overnight.

Tom, now 41, has found this incredibly hard. We’ve suggested counselling; I’ve told him I’m here

Your original letter was much longer, with details I won’t print in order to protect your family. You expect me to judge you harshly for leaving your three boys, but I’ll just make the point that there are always consequences.

our most dramatic life-decisions reverberate for ever; you’re perfectly aware that the long-term effects of your passionate love affair are still being felt, 29 years on.

You are now caught between your feelings for the lover you married and your love for your youngest son — just as you were when Tom was 12 and had to be told that Mum’s bags were packed and she wasn’t coming back. The three boys then had to endure their father Will’s bitterness for years. A heavy burden indeed.

You have borne permanent guilt, and love him. But I developed a feeling he had a real problem with Ed. His partner suggested as much.

I recently visited, told him how lovely it was to see them both, then asked: ‘Do you have a problem with Ed?’ It all came out: he can’t be in the same room with him.

He seems to think that if 29 years ago Will and I had stayed together, I may have been able to save him. He suggested my husband would be pleased Will is dead. Ed is a very gentle caring man, but maybe Tom knows something about Ed that I don’t.

Do I tell Ed, about the situation — since Tom says he now won’t see him?

I have no excuse for following my heart and leaving my children — and expect you to give me a blunt comment about that.

But, in the end, Will and I did get on, although we were both lost after the death of our eldest son.

I love my husband and need advice on how to handle this situation. observed your youngest son’s problems unfold over the years, and endured the terrible agony of your eldest son’s death, which left two children fatherless. I expect there have been times when you have thought yourself ‘punished’ for leaving your family. Such thoughts are inevitable — and cruel.

But when Tom had his breakdown, he came to you. With Ed, you cared for him. Your middle son loved you enough to choose to live with you a year after you left.

No more ‘blunt comments’ are coming from me, Pamela.

What to do? Tom seems to have sown seeds of doubt about Ed in your mind, which feel unfair.

Yes, he blames his stepfather for seducing you away from your family, still resents you for leaving, and imagines (with a degree of desperation) that had you remained at home, then his Dad wouldn’t have died suddenly.

But he is still grieving and the only way he can make sense of his feelings is to lash out at you and Ed, holding you responsible for his father’s death.

It’s terribly sad and you have no choice but to explain it all to your husband and try to help him through the hurt he will inevitably feel.

I wouldn’t try to force Tom to visit you or insist Ed accompanies you there. It’s too soon.

But you can visit Tom and his partner alone (kind Ed can hardly object) and use the visit(s) to talk through everything, and make sure his partner understands that in time it will be good for Tom (never mind for you) to heal this sad rift.

Will’s death will almost certainly have opened in Tom the wounds of his brother’s death, too, but grief does change over time.

Be patient with him, work towards reconciliation and forgiveness — and you can do much to heal your own heart along the way.