I can’t abide my ‘helpful’ visitor

DEAR BEL

I AM going through chemotherapy for the third time and mostly feel awful and just want to rest on my own.

My husband has a friend who helps him with a hobby, so he often turns up and stays for at least four hours. I don’t mind this, but his wife (whom I find hard going at the best of times) comes as well to ‘keep me company’.

I am getting myself in a state about this. Our daughter, who we don’t see much as she lives three hours away, has started visiting for several days.

I love this, but I don’t want the woman here when she is with us. It sounds selfish, but my time is short and these visits are getting me down. I can’t cope with her chatter and trying to be pleasant. How do I ask her not to come without upsetting her?

MARY

HOW dreadfully hard for you to be enduring your treatment yet again; I know how grim it can be and send sympathy.

It’s marvellous that you can see a lot more of your daughter now — her support and loving presence are vital for your wellbeing.

But at this stage in your life (and you are painfully aware how precious each hour is) nothing should be allowed to cause irritation or stress.

You and your family need to be firm with outsiders — even if it runs the risk of hurting feelings.

You say your husband’s friend ‘turns up’ and stays for hours. I suggest it’s time to control this. All visits to your home should be organised

around your wishes. What if you were feeling really ill and needed your husband, and then the chum rocked up?

Suggest that your husband fix a time when his friends can visit, using your illness as a firm reason. This will also enable you to reject the wife’s visits more easily.

I’m sure they mean well, but imposing ‘company’ on a sick woman is not kindness.

You need rest and quality time alone and with your daughter. I wish you courage and strength.