She’s so obese yet we can’t help her

DEAR BEL

AFTER every meeting with my daughter-in-law I have a sleepless night as I can see that she is getting more obese, more unhealthy and ever more likely to leave my son a widower.

Fortunately, they have never had children. She is 50 but declared ten years ago that she didn’t want to be ‘fat and 40’. We encouraged every new diet but the problem is alcohol.

She does not cook, has a stressful sedentary job and a very selfish mother who is showing signs of dementia.

I can see alcohol helps relieve the stress she is under and that it is easier to put on weight than take it off, but how can she put her health at such risk?

My son will have the occasional dig at her about her size but I think he has given up. She’s tried clubs and special meals.

It breaks my heart to see her ever-increasing weight and unhealthiness. Your thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.

JEN thIs anxiety over your daughter-in-law’s obesity is justified, but I have to confess immediately that I do not see what you can possibly do about it. that’s a very negative start and I’m sorry, but we must be realistic.

Many of us have the experience of watching those we love indulge in things that are really bad for them, but if you try to remonstrate you are likely to be accused of nagging, or interfering.

If you stay silent you doom yourself to permanent worry that you should be addressing the problem. But if you speak up you run the risk of offence being taken and a relationship ruined for ever.

Your analysis of the strains within your daughter-in-law’s life is generous and convincing. Many people (including me) will reach for a drink as a quick way to soften the edges of a problem.

But the only person with a chance of being listened to on the subject of alcohol would be your son, her husband.

You say that by this stage in their life he has given up trying to influence her behaviour. however, if he makes digs about her weight it can only make things worse: she will feel more stressed than ever, hate herself, and turn to the booze again.

have a word with him and suggest he looks at the website: nhs. uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse to educate himself about how to help her.

I suggest they sit down together, read the content carefully and then talk about a way forward.

I feel very sorry for your daughter-in-law because I’m sure there must be times when she looks in the mirror and despairs at her own reflection.

the problem has obviously bothered her for more than ten years, but she will need to want to change her life in order to give up or cut down on her calorific drinking.

If I were you I would say nothing, just offer encouragement and affection and do whatever you can to build up her confidence.