Should I interfere with the arguing next door?

Of course every problem featured in this column is unique to the person who writes, but once in a while I decide to ‘wrap’ two together, because they resonate.

so I’m introducing you to Helen, whose problem is similar. Both of you want to be good neighbours but worry about interference. so here is Helen’s letter: ‘I live in a small village on my own (my choice) with my son and daughter living a good way away. In this south coast town a lady I’m friendly with has a gentle husband diagnosed with dementia.

‘she claimed all available benefits — and goes shopping, to the salon, lunch with friends etc, while her poor husband is at home living on chocolate and the odd microwave meal.

‘I often make him lunch or dinner and she is not the slightest bid embarrassed by this, on the contrary, quite grateful. she would do anybody a favour but basic kindness towards her husband is totally missing. It’s starting to get to me. My children say it’s not my problem. How can someone like that lady sleep at night?’

Both you, Alison, and Helen are in a situation where you are worrying about the home life of a male neighbour rather at the mercy of a wife who seems less than kind.

Both of you are drawn to step in with some caring attention yourselves and feel protective of the men. There could be deeper motives — which would be understandable, since each of you is alone.

But never mind that, the question for all of us is how far one can attempt to intervene in a situation — whether with family, friend or neighbour — which seems worrying or unacceptable. Helen’s daughters say her neighbours’ problems are not her problem. Is this true?

I disagree with those adult children, because we are all on this earth together and should care about our neighbours. ‘Love your neighbour as yourself’ is an essential part of christian teaching, making absolute sense in societies where people met outside and shared dependency, for example at the well.

Today we are more remote from each other, yet most would think it a duty to report if somebody within a household was being ill-treated. That’s not quite the case here. Alison thinks the gentleman is being bullied and berated and Helen suspects selfish neglect.

In both cases I’d suggest no good comes from letting a situation fester. Perhaps Helen

could suggest she cook a daily meal for her neighbour, but give his wife the bill for all food. In that way it becomes a sort of job as well as a good deed.

Resentment and judgement is not useful, even if understandable. Better to be even more hands-on, if possible. Within the great religions good deeds carried out in good faith are blessings.

The situation with Alison’s neighbour is more complex because the onset of dementia would certainly be one explanation for those moods and shouting. Talking to the daughter is surely the only way forward — and I don’t think anybody would regard that as unduly interfering.

It would be ‘going behind Keith’s back’ but acting with responsible kindness to share your concerns.

It could be that Beryl is indeed in need of a diagnosis; therefore her daughters have the right to know — and certainly a duty to see beneath the surface of their parents’ life together. So a quiet word is a good idea.

In general, what do we think? Reaching out to help a neighbour is surely a good thing in principle, but it must be done with tact and genuine grace.