I’m worried about life after Mum

I’M 60 this year and feel lonely! I never left my parents’ home and worked with Dad in the family business (two small shops).

He died in 2012 and I retired in 2016 because I could manage with my savings and pension. Since then I’ve cared for my mum, diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2019, who went into care last November when her condition worsened.

Thankfully, I can take her out each week. The last couple of years were stressful. It’s only since Mum went into care I’ve slept properly.

I don’t think I’m depressed, but in a rut, with regrets about not taking chances when I was younger.

I think my neighbour, a divorcee with grown-up children, likes me, but I have no feelings except friendship. I contacted a girl in her late 20s on Facebook I knew from work. I think she liked me.

Most women my age have been married and younger girls may be looking for someone ... I worry about it. I’m also dreading when Mum dies. I couldn’t have had better parents.

Friends have drifted away. I have a sister miles away who says I’ve been overprotected by Mum and Dad — probably true.

I saw a counsellor who said I had a passiveaggressive nature as I get socially anxious. He told me to get involved in groups for hobbies I enjoy. He said to go in at the deep end.

I went to the photography club for a while but didn’t take to it. I’ll try going back to the golf club where I was a member. I did intend to re-join in 2016 but started to get back and knee pain so put it on hold. I walk most days on my own. Can you advise?

The time you spent taking care of your mother must have been tiring and rewarding in equal measure, and the decision that she needed professional care has ‘liberated’ you to consider what to do with the rest of your life.

I so sympathise with your dread of her death, yet the fact that you mention it signals an awareness that you must look ahead.

You’ve clearly been thinking a lot about your past life and feeling very sad to be facing the future alone. Of course this may not happen. It is never too late to find a partner (which is not the same as suggesting that it’s easy), but we must face the truth: you are painfully out of practice at developing relationships.

Let’s think about friends and jolly acquaintances first. That counsellor gave good advice, of course. Sometimes people will dismiss the suggestion of joining clubs etc as an advice columnist’s cliché, but what else can we suggest?

If you want to meet people you have to make an effort to go where they are, and common interests (like golf) are a classic way to interest with others.

But you have to be patient. his suggestion that you are ‘passiveaggressive’ is interesting, if a catchall. If I were you I wouldn’t dwell on it (because that won’t help), but start these activities again with a new resolution.

honestly, if you are going for walks it must surely be time to play golf again? No one else can help you with this. You have to make a real effort.

Now to romantic possibilities — since what you most yearn for is a relationship with a woman.

I’ll be frank and tell you a warning note sounded in my brain at your mention of the young acquaintance in her late 20s.

No, Mark, ‘younger girls’ are NOT ‘looking for someone’ of 60. Oh, relationships with very large age gaps can, of course, develop very successfully. But you’re indulging in a harmful fantasy if you think ‘girls’ are actively looking for such a relationship.

You reject your nice neighbour out of hand — and I suspect that’s because you think she is too old. I’m sensing a common romantic delusion here.

So if I were you, I’d ditch that word ‘girl’ from your vocabulary and understand that forming a companionable friendship with a woman near your own age, by sharing pleasant talk and activities, would be the way forward. I wish you luck.