Niece has exploited my lonely sister

DEAR BEL,

A FEW years ago, in her early 60s, my sister was widowed. Her eldest daughter (married with two children) offered her a home. They had never owned their own property despite both having good jobs and the arrangement was that my sister provided £30,000 for their deposit. I advised her to ensure she could get back any money if things didn’t work out.

After just two years my sister broke down in tears after a few drinks and told my daughter how difficult her daughter and son-in-law were making her life and how unhappy she was.

As she doesn’t drive, the understanding was that she’d have a lift if needed. But her son-in-law said, ‘a lift’s not a given’ — although it seemed babysitting certainly is! She was given a bedroom on the same floor as her grandchildren while her daughter claimed the two-room top floor which would have given her a sitting room.

Eventually I learned the couple had persuaded her to sign a Deed of Gift, waiving any rights to getting her money back. She was also paying them rent. They didn’t even set up a TV for her in her bedroom.

Miserable, she decided to buy a flat and after one argument overheard her daughter calling her a ‘horrible woman’ to her grandchildren. It couldn’t be further from the truth.

She’s used all her savings to buy a flat with no garden and had no help from them during the move. They treated her really badly.

I’ve now heard of the same scenario involving someone else I know and a far larger amount of money. Are children just using parents who are lonely and have money just to get on the housing ladder? Am I wrong to be so angry I won’t speak to my niece?

JENNIFER

ANYBODY in your position would be angry with your niece — and I agree, although, as people sometimes remind me (rather unnecessarily!), this is only one side of the story.

Your general point is a salutary reminder that family ‘love’ is often hedged with expediency so that a love of money and possessions can nudge out real affection and duty.

You ask whether children are ‘using’ lonely parents ; the answer must be ‘Yes, sometimes.’ Realism tells us not all people are good or kind. Whenever I see a headline about an ‘epidemic of loneliness’ or the difficulties faced by elderly carers struggling alone I can’t help wondering if there is a larger family and if so, what are they doing?

It’s good that your sister was able to confide in her niece, your daughter. She probably guessed what your response would be, but knew you’d be told anyway. It’s so sad that the couple did so little to make your sister comfortable and happy; sadder still that she was so abused to the grandchildren she had helped look after. I just hope that now she can pick up the pieces of her fractured heart and make a new life in her flat. She will miss the garden (as you explained in your longer letter) but I hope she can cultivate pots on a balcony or bulbs in a window box.

You ask about anger. My position is that I don’t think you ‘wrong’ to be angry with your niece and her husband, but at the same time I’d question the point of the anger in the long term.

Many families are broken up by quarrels, and often rage or simmering resentment at ill-treatment, neglect or exploitation is justified. but should it be fed and nurtured? Sometimes it’s wiser to bite the lip, cross your fingers, speak through gritted teeth and plod on with life.

Looking ahead, as you and your sister become older, would it be wise permanently to fall out with your niece? Surely you will need to be in touch? Surely you will want to encourage your sister’s contact with her grandchildren? You see, I am a patcher-upper, a darner of holes and a pragmatist who believes in ‘make do and mend’ for clothes and families alike — even when they’re in bad shape.