FMQs? It was more like an episode of Fireman Sam
THE education brief has become less hectic since John Swinney was punted sidewards in favour of Shirley-Anne Somerville. Praise be, then, for whoever came up with the notion of increasing ventilation in schools by taking a saw to the doors.
It’s like solving the A&E waiting times crisis by removing all the batteries from hospital clocks.
In fact, I’m a little disappointed Humza Yousaf hasn’t come out with this yet.
Between this and the legal requirement to install integrated fire alarms that isn’t really a requirement, ministers have been giving out a lot of fire safety advice lately. But, and I can’t stress this enough, do not cut the bottom off your fire doors. They’re called fire doors because they stop fire. Cutting off the bottom means they’ll stop stopping fire. That would be bad.
It’s becoming difficult to distinguish Scottish Government policy from a cautionary tale in an episode of Fireman Sam. Spare a thought for the poor pupils. Double maths is already a horror movie. Imagine you’re halfway through a quadratic equation when an axe crashes through the door and the Education Secretary’s face pops up. ‘Heeeeere’s Shirley!’
At First Minister’s Questions, Douglas Ross asked why, two years into the pandemic, the best the Sturgeon government could do to improve ventilation was ‘chop the bottom off of classroom doors’.
The First Minister said her government would ‘take a range of measures to ensure that children and staff working in schools are as safe as it is possible for them to be’. Sure, but think of the unintended consequences. Getting sent to stand outside the headmaster’s door isn’t so dreadinducing when you can see his Homer Simpson socks and the hole in his shoe.
‘On the issue of ventilation – ’ Sturgeon began.
‘Chopping the bottom off of doors!’ Ross taunted from a sedentary position.
‘Douglas Ross is shouting, “Chopping the bottom off of doors”,’ the SNP leader noted. She hardly needed to. You could have heard him in the next room, and through a fully intact door at that.
Sturgeon protested that, when doors were ‘not enabling that natural flow of air’ it was ‘basic common sense to take measures to rectify that’. If only there was some mechanism for allowing air to enter through a closed door...
Of course, there’s a school of thought that says this is literally the point of doors but the First Minister was not dissuaded. Once she’s done rectifying solid objects that inhibit airflow, she will be turning her attention to shelves and their stubborn interference with gravity. For now, though, she would be funding ‘basic rectification of the structure of classrooms’ and suggested the Tory leader engage in ‘a grownup discussion’.
‘This is a grown-up matter,’ protested Ross. It was hard to tell who was madder: her, him or all of us for watching.
Ross had obtained the opinion of a retired firefighter that chopping the bottoms off – sorry, basic rectification of the structure of classrooms – could make it easier for fires to spread.
‘This is an absurd line of questioning,’ Sturgeon huffed, adding that ‘we are not requiring local authorities to chop the bottom off every door in every classroom across the country’.
AS Sturgeon persevered, the Tory hooting and heckling grew louder. ‘I am finding it difficult to hear the First Minister,’ the Presiding Officer chided. ‘The only thing that is being chopped off in this session of FMQs is Douglas Ross’s own legs at the knees,’ Sturgeon jabbed. Whereupon the Scottish Tory leader theatrically clutched his patellae and exclaimed: ‘They’re still here, First Minister.’ These people get paid, you know.
With that, he moved on to air filters. As one door closes, another is chopped open.