I’m being left out of wedding plans

DEAR BEL,

MY GRANDDAUGHTER, who lives near me, is getting married in another county in June — a small wedding at a country venue.

The ‘main’ family — her parents, his parents and three siblings with their partners and children — are staying in the house and there’s not enough room for any other attendees to stay.

So I have booked a single room in a hotel, since my husband, her grandfather, cannot travel.

I should add that six weeks later there will be a big general party in a hall near us.

I’m upset because there is a meal in the country house the night before the wedding but I am not invited. Originally I was included as they could ‘fit one more in’ but now it’s just for those staying. So I’m told I will have to do my own thing! This means the afternoon and evening in a hotel on my own, and dining alone. This is my pain.

Am I unreasonable to expect a bit of special thought as her Nan? We were close, or so I thought, until the wedding plans became more detailed. I can understand that my daughter-in-law is making all the plans. My granddaughter is a gentle girl like her father (my son) who likes an easy life, so opts out.

I feel a physical pain when I think of this hotel stay but I’m determined not to make a fuss. It’s my granddaughter’s wedding, her choices… but it does hurt. I’ve tried to see another side to this hotel time I’m dreading, but aside from getting blotto I can’t. Any advice?

WeddING season is almost upon us: the time of hurt tears falling as thick as confetti and arguments as threatening as summer lightning. do I sound cynical? I can’t help it, because people make so much fuss around and about what should be simple, solemn vows and, in doing so, make many mistakes, too.

On the surface here it sounds mad to me that they can’t include such a hugely important family member in that dinner.

Yes, I would say that, because I’m a granny too and think we matter! But honestly, it does seem rather rude and unloving that you should be left out. I

don’t think it unreasonable at all that you should feel upset.

It’s quite usual for the bride’s mother to be in charge of arrangements, but sometimes being ‘in charge’ can go too far. I’m wondering if your busy daughterin-law has considered how lonely you will feel in the hotel — or is she is just so fixated on everything being perfect throughout the whole event, it has just slipped her mind to think about your feelings?

If so, that’s a pity — and something your son should step up and remedy.

Have you told him you are upset? If not, beware of becoming the ‘silent’ martyr who nurtures a hurt grudge.

It’s no use nobly keeping quiet to the family but telling me you are upset. Your

son is the one you should be telling — quietly and calmly.

It’s hardly a big thing for a loving grandmother to say she’d love to attend the pre-wedding dinner. He should arrange taxis for you and not be feeble.

Of course, there may be history here I know nothing about — perhaps with your daughter-in-law. No matter; I think you should make your request to be included and then, if they say the venue’s table isn’t big enough, or whatever — then you have to be strong. To ‘get blotto’ because you feel down would be a catastrophic idea, as you well know.

You’ll feel hungover and gloomy and your face will be puffy. So no! Have a

drink at the hotel bar and see if you can order room service with a glass of wine. After eating, put on a face pack, and watch a movie.

It won’t be the end of the world. Then you must promise me you’ll leave your (perfectly understandable) hurt behind when you go to watch the girl getting married. That can be done, too.