Last man on earth to learn about the Wagatha drama? Me, says Wazza!
THE atmosphere in Court 13 is febrile, expectant, excited. Fevered, even. Because, finally, after a long week of lugging giant Fendi handbags about for his wife, bursting out of his school uniform and looking catatonically bored, Wayne Rooney is on the stand and looking rather good in a smart blue suit that, for once, fits perfectly.
Happily, he is not here to discuss Derby County’s relegation, his surprising penchant for salads – yes, really – or any of his extramarital hiccups. Just to establish three simple things. Firstly, that at the much-discussed 2016 Euros and on the instructions of England manager Roy Hodgson, Rooney had ‘a word’ with Jamie Vardy to ask him to ‘calm down’ his wife, who was penning a column for The Sun at the time.
Secondly, whether, before Coleen’s big reveal, he was aware of her brilliant sleuthing and the ‘Scousetrap’ she had set to snare unsuspecting Rebekah Vardy.
And, finally, how he and Coleen had weathered the press intrusion.
And goodness me, he starts well. A ripple of surprise goes round the court as he stands here, strong as an ox and calm as a sloth in the sun.
He’s almost as good as Coleen. Dignified, too – as he confirms that, yes, his private Instagram handle is ‘wazzaroon08’ (not that he’s been active for a while) – and does everything in his power to avoid looking at his former England team-mate.
Because, after a six-day absence and stealing a teeny bit of Wayne’s football legend thunder, Jamie Vardy has finally turned up. (And it must be said he’s looking pretty darn hot in his perfectly cut suit, shiny shoes and artfully swished hair.)
Perhaps that’s where Rebekah shot off early yesterday afternoon with a face like thunder in her lemon meringue suit. Maybe she roared home to winkle him out of their luxury £3million mansion near Grantham. Or perhaps he was always coming – after all, Leicester City do have an upcoming match against Chelsea.
WHATEVER. He’s here. And a good thing too, because while he’s been playing a blinder for Leicester City with his best scoring run of the season – four of his 14 goals coming this week – we all know poor Rebekah’s had the week from hell; alternately crying, sighing and, as David ‘Shere Khan’ Sherborne would have it, lying.
Not now though! She’s a woman transformed – glinting and glowing as she and Jamie hold hands under the table. But, anyway, back to Wayne who, as the cross-examination continues, is handling himself well in the box – if not with quite the flair he displayed with his 78thminute bicycle kick that did for Manchester City in the 2011 derby. So when hoary old Hugh Tomlinson QC dares to suggest the 2016 Rooney/Vardy chat never happened, Wayne bats him away with his clean scouse tenor.
‘I’m sat here under oath and I’m telling you 100 per cent that I spoke to Mr Vardy.’ He even adds a dash of evidential garnish by explaining he was drinking a coffee at the time, while Vardy sipped a Red Bull.
On we move to Coleen’s months of deep investigation. Where things take a surprising turn.
Because, by his own account, Wayne knew nothing about it. Not a jot. Nothing about the fake posts to trip up Vardy. Nor her sleuthing masterplan or the 13 sentences so carefully crafted in Coleen’s jotter. Not a single thing about her planned ‘big reveal’.
‘My wife is an independent woman who does her own things,’ is all he’ll say. ‘I didn’t want to get involved.’ They’ve been together for 19 years but, extraordinarily, it turns
out Wayne’s very first inkling was on October 9, 2019 when he woke up in the US – where he was working at the time – and, along with the rest of the world, read his wife’s dramatic ‘It’s .......... Rebekah Vardy’s account’ tweet.
‘It was a surprise to me,’ he tells the court, as Coleen looks on, serene as a swan. At the other end of the bench, the Vardys bob about in shocked excitement like a pair of meerkats.
But maybe more surprising is Wayne’s insistence he really knew next to nothing about the whole sorry Wagtastic drama until last week.
What about the £3million libel suit gathering pace for the past two-anda-half years? The screaming headlines. The bulging legal teams. The star lawyers. The brouhaha, the trolling. Wasn’t he even a bit curious who Wagatha Christie might be?
‘I’ve never discussed it with my wife,’ he says firmly. ‘Me sitting in this courtroom this week is the first time I’m hearing everything in this case. It’s been a long week. It’s the first time I’ve heard any of it... I’ve been here to support my wife. This week is the first time I’ve had any understanding of what’s all happened.’
WE all know how independent private Coleen is. And how busy they both are – she with the boys, him wrestling with Derby County. Though, to be fair, their body language – so straight-backed and separate – is a bit of a giveaway.
Even so, it’s a bit surprising. Certainly, Rebekah Vardy looks utterly gobsmacked.
This is, after all, the woman who spent so much time FaceTiming her husband during the 2016 Euros – even when he was just hanging out and playing pool with the lads – that the others felt she was almost part of the team. It’s hard to imagine a single thing she doesn’t discuss with Jamie. She’s whispering in his ear right now, while still holding his hand under the table as Wayne caps off his evidence with a moving little speech.
About how no one wants to be sitting in court. How, for two-and-a-half years, he’s watched Coleen struggle under the pressure and ‘become a different mother, a different wife’, and how they just want the judgment and to get on with their lives. By the time he finally sits down again, we’ve all learned some surprising – and less surprising – things. That Wayne Rooney is surprisingly articulate and thoughtful. That he and Coleen appear to live very separate, independent lives.
That Wayne and Jamie were never proper pals. That no one – not even a QC to the oligarchs – puts our Wayne in the corner. But perhaps most arrestingly that Wayne has not – as we wrongly assumed – been sitting here bored out of his enormous skull all week. No! He’s actually been utterly gripped as the entire mad Wagatha Christie story unfurled before him and he realised he was the very last person in Britain to know.
What a day. What a treat. What a ride. We need a break. But not yet, because, just as we’re all settling down to a nice soothing afternoon of densely detailed expert evidence, the Vardys take an early bath, again. Rebekah’s feeling ill, apparently.
Poor her. Maybe it’s the excitement of having Jamie by her side. Or perhaps she’s just feeling sick of the Rooneys. Because, as it turns out, while we sat in court, her ‘representative’ was outside, on the front steps of the Royal Courts of Justice, reading out the following statement from Jamie.
‘Wayne is talking nonsense. He must be confused because he never spoke to me about issues concerning Becky’s media work at Euro 2016. There was nothing to speak about, I know this because I discuss everything with Becky…’
Frankly, after all that, we’re a bit relieved to be told there’s no court tomorrow, so we have a calming break before returning for the final gripping episode of Wagatha Christie. Hopefully Rebekah will be feeling better by then.