NOW FIGHT BACK TO BEAT NEGATIVE THOUGHTS

NO ONE is always happy. The trick is to minimise the time you remain stuck in suffering so that you can bounce back to a state of happiness as quickly as possible. Believe it or not, when unhappiness attacks me, I bounce back within seconds.

In 2020, bar three times when I remained unhappy for a few hours, my average bounce-back time was seven seconds.

You can do that too. The secret is a systematic way of solving the problem, which I have summarised in my Happiness Flow Chart. Start with a simple question that you should in your head play on repeat.

Are you happy? If you are, then the objective is achieved! Enjoy your happiness fully.

But if your answer is ‘No’, then you need to answer the second question: What do you feel? Acknowledge how you feel and sit with it. You may be feeling a storm of emotion or there may be emotions that are harder to detect. Connect to them all and embrace them.

Then move on to the third question: What’s the trigger? Finding those thoughts is tricky because your brain does not tell you the truth. Your brain isn’t evil. It’s your closest ally. It wants what’s best for you always — it’s just not an impartial witness.

Suppose your date hasn’t called

after a lovely dinner. It could be they’re in meetings or they’ve lost your number or they’re taking time to reflect on what to say. None of those would make you unhappy. No, the triggering thought would sound something like: ‘That’s it then. I’ll never find someone. I’ll spend the rest of my life alone.’

Now you’ve found the trigger, it’s checkmate! You’ve won. You are almost guaranteed to move to happiness in just three more steps.

First, ask yourself: Is that true, brain? And, of course, in our example, it’s not: there’s no way of knowing whether you’ll be alone for the rest of your life. Once you’ve worked out it’s false, you can drop the thought and bounce straight back to happiness.

But what if, having identified your triggering thought and crossexamined it, you find it is true?

Take action. Just do something. If you’ve had a row, pick up the phone, send an email, say sorry, ask for an apology yourself. Or maybe decide that it’s time to move on. Whatever you do, taking action will stop the sirens of your thoughts.

Time for the last question: Can you accept and commit? What if there’s nothing you can do about your situation? What if you were diagnosed with a nasty illness? Or lost a loved one? Or someone stole from you?

I’ve experienced every one of those, including the loss of my wonderful son, Ali. When life overpowered me, I resorted to my ultimate defence against unhappiness: Committed Acceptance.

Harsh overpowering events are a fact of life. It’s part of the rules of this game. Accepting them is the most powerful thing you can do because that way you choose your own destiny and state of happiness.

Once convinced that you have the freedom to choose your reaction, you find resilience. Committing and accepting brings clarity, and clarity brings peace.