Sheer chaos: we’ve got the builders in!
I’ve got the builders in, and
without being dramatic Hopscotch in a minefield
would be less traumatic. The site foreman, Dave, was
the first in this morning. A true multi-tasker, he can
nose-pick while yawning. He was sitting busily writing
the day’s hectic agenda: ‘Brew up . . . place a bet . . . up
the price on our tender.’ Then a wood pigeon landed
on his newly built wall Which collapsed, as if hit by a
winged wrecking ball. ‘Did you see that?’ I said,
sheer disbelief in my words. ‘Well, it was a fat pigeon, you’re
over-feeding the birds.’ ‘A fat pigeon!’ I said. ‘I’ve seen
sturdier walls on a tent!’ ‘Point taken, we might need
to start using cement. ‘The trouble is, cement
mixers are expensive to hire, ‘But we can mix a bit up in
your wife’s tumble dryer.’ Just then Jamie arrived, the
team’s labourer and brickie. ‘This hangover’s murder, I
should’ve thrown a sickie.’ A good bricklayer was Jamie
till he had a glass or ten, Then he had the laying
capacity of a constipated hen. To my greatest surprise, he
began laying straight away . . . Full-length on my sun lounger,
getting a tan on full pay. ‘Why not fit the solar panels?’
I said, my patience now gone. ‘Great idea!’ they both said
and put their sunglasses on. ‘When I said solar panels, I
meant the ones for the roof.’ ‘Aaah, slight problem there,
to tell you the truth. ‘Dan, our new roofer, is not
really a roofer by rights. ‘He’s allergic to slate and
terrified of heights. ‘To be honest, he’s not really
a house roofer as such. ‘He does mostly dog kennels
and the odd rabbit hutch. ‘On roofs above 6 ft he gets
these nauseous feelings. ‘So we build the roofs lower, but you’ll have lower ceilings.’ ‘Lower ceilings?’ I said. ‘Just
how low are we talking?’ ‘You’ll be fine if you bend your
knees while you’re walking. ‘And get them shoes with no
heels they sell in the market, ‘But to be on the safe side,
don’t buy too thick a carpet.’ When Rob the spark arrived, I
was filled with alarm. He had ‘How to wire a plug’
tattooed on his arm. ‘I hope you can change a
light bulb,’ I half-jokingly said. ‘Yeh, the instructions for that
are tattooed on me leg.’ Plumber Simon was the
owner of Plumbers-R-Not-Us. He had an issue with the pipework he wanted to discuss. ‘These pipes I’ve plumbed in
have developed a slight flaw ‘When I turn on the boiler, it
heats the fishpond next door. ‘So you’d best set the boiler
at the two centigrade mark. ‘Any hotter than that and you’ll
poach next door’s koi carp.’ I hoped Tony the painter might
be one of the day’s plusses Until I saw him collecting dog
hairs to make his own brushes. ‘You’ll put on an undercoat?’
I asked, not too impressed. ‘Put on an undercoat? I don’t
even wear a vest!’ And so the day continued,
with trauma after trauma.
Simon’s dodgy boiler just got
warmer and warmer. Tony’s dog hair brushes had
fewer hairs than he’d planned So he was chasing our labrador with a lasso in one hand. In his other hand were items
that confirmed our dog’s fears A chloroform-soaked rag and
the wife’s garden shears. Chasing both was Jamie, who
was absolutely sure That a hair of the dog is the
best hangover cure. Then my wife burst in wearing
strange concrete attire. ‘Someone’s mixed up cement
in my new tumble dryer!’ She slowly started cracking,
like vertical crazy paving. ‘It’s not good enough, Dave!’
I said, absolutely raving. ‘My wife’s cracking up — and I
don’t mean with laughter!’ ‘Don’t panic!’ Dave said. ‘We
can skim her with plaster.’ Then Rob dropped his trousers to revise a skill he’d forgotten. He had ‘How to change a
fuse’ tattooed on his bottom. The doorbell then rang and it
was our new neighbour Clive. I said: ‘Has Dave parked his ice
cream van on your drive?’ ‘Fish murderer!’ he bawled,
totally ignoring my remark, Then slapped me round the face with a lightly poached carp. I was slapped several times and gave a Banshee-like scream, Then heard: ‘Wake up! Wake up!
You’re having a bad dream. ‘I had to slap you,’ said
the wife. ‘You wouldn’t stop screaming, ‘Shouting “Our labrador’s bald! And I’ve only got a 5 ft ceiling!” ‘You had a nightmare about our project, but not all builders misbehave. ‘By the way, a quote’s come in from some builder . . . called Dave.’
G. Cope, Stock, Essex.