My partner’s ex just won’t move on

DEAR BEL,

I’M IN a difficult situation and struggling. Over two years ago I met someone and ‘knew’. His marriage was over, he said, and his wife had moved out. Weeks before their divorce was finalised, his ex turned up back in the marital home. Now, his daughters say he can’t see his adored grandchildren if he leaves.

His ex has come back out of fear of living alone. I know he loves me — he’s my rock. I’ve never known either the laughter or the peace we have together. I’m in my 50s and have never experienced this sense of fulfilment with someone. My heart doesn’t want to lose him.

We meet up when we can. But it’s complicated and I’m not sure I can bear it. I’m capable of walking away as I’ve made strong decisions in my life — like telling my children’s father to leave when they were babies, without support, a job or home.

I know I am stronger than him, but in this situation I am powerless. His wife may rediscover the courage to leave — or not. He may get the courage to stand up to them all — or may not. All I can do is accept the situation or walk away.

Yesterday we had seven hours together and it was wonderful. He’s texted to say he can’t wait to see me again. Our feelings are getting stronger, but I can’t cope with uncertainty.

I also wonder how would I feel, meeting the daughters, knowing they used their own children as pawns. While I may forgive, I don’t think I will forget or respect them. How can I feel positive?

My hope is that he will stand up to them all, but he hasn’t said he will. KATE

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Ou say you ‘can’t cope with uncertainty’ but, of course, the truth is you can. Most of us are capable of bearing burdens greater than we know, depending on the likely outcome. In fact, all of us must live with the not knowing, since the greatest uncertainty is when the hour of our death will come.

Since you are so proud of your own strength I’d have thought it possible to continue to be brave for the sake of the man you love.

Vividly, convincingly, you describe your feelings. You were not the catalyst for the end of his marriage, but it’s possible that the awareness of his happiness with a new woman might have been the catalyst for his wife’s change of heart.

Your original letter (over twice as long as this) is repetitive of your feelings and frustrations, but gives precious little information about your man and his family. I’m surprised you don’t even know his ex-wife’s name (‘he called her dragon once and that’s it’) nor do you tell me how many adored grandchildren he has.

I hope you do actually know. You have, after all, only known him ‘over two years’, which surely takes you back into lockdown? How much quality time have you been able to have?

Like you, I believe his daughters are wrong to hold access to the grandchildren over his head as a threat. I imagine they were upset when their parents split, then had their hopes raised when their mother moved back, so now feel panicky at the prospect of it starting all over again.

Such feelings might be understandable but using children as a weapon is not. However, if the day ever comes when you and your man can be together you will have to be the better person — and forgive them, for the sake of your love. That can also be achieved with a will.

What are your choices? In your 50s, are you likely to meet another great love? You could take the risk and ditch your man, embroiled as he is in a situation he must hate. Or you could give him time to talk to his wife, confide the truth about his marriage to his daughters and consider the price he is willing to pay to be with you.

In the meantime you can be his haven, let him leave things at your place, and bring your vaunted strength into play while you live your life and hope he comes to live it with you.

Women have waited for years while their men went to war. If your love is strong, can’t you be kind and give him the gift of loving patience?