A TO Z of the queue jump hoo-ha that’s seen Holly & Phil go from morning-sofa messiahs to... STONE-COLD PARIAHS
Grid when the kettle is put on during television ad breaks, there was a surge of tears on the National Emotional Grid when Emma appeared to say goodbye to HM at Windsor. ‘I think she probably had some sort of sixth sense that Her Majesty wouldn’t be riding her any more and she did her proud by standing there so respectfully,’ said head groom Terry Pendry.
If you know another show pony with a lovely mane who didn’t wait quite so respectfully for the Queen this week, write her name here: H O__ Y.
F
Is for fighting back, which is what Holly and Phil have been doing all week. ITV released a statement clarifying that their highly paid stars were at Westminster in a professional capacity with ‘press accreditation’. They insisted: ‘They did not file past the Queen’s coffin’ and that ‘any allegations of improper behaviour are categorically untrue’. The duo also released a statement claiming that they ‘understood’ the anger people felt, but said they went for everyone who ‘couldn’t go’.
G
Is for ‘GO’, see above. Music festival fans are thrilled that Holly and Phil are also going to provide this service at Glastonbury next year when the queue for the Portaloos gets too much at peak times. ‘We are going to go for everyone who can’t go,’ they said in another joint statement.
H
Is for Harry and Meghan, who have returned to california with much food for thought. and once they have digested this week’s events, what happens next will set the tone for transatlantic royal relations for the next decade, if not for ever. Will they carry on acting like a pair of spoilt cinderellas who just had the cherry nicked off their second slice of cake? Or has the sombre majesty and precision drilled pageantry of the past week made them understand their roles at last? We will find out soon enough.
I
Is for THE Person IN THE Queue WHO Is You.
J
Is for Major Johnny Thompson, the handsome
equerry who was such a hit performing his ceremonial duties this week. should there be a queue to lie in a state alongside johnny, please know I am not the sort of woman who would jump that queue.
K
Is for kirsty Young. ‘she made history, she was history,’ said Young during her bbc broadcast from Windsor. It was the perfect, pithy quote that best summed up the Queen.
L
Is for Liz Truss. someone needs to have an urgent word with her about her official wardrobe. Was her bargainrail funeral dress with its front and back slits entirely appropriate? and I wish she’d invest in what the Queen’s dresser would call ‘proper corsetry’. More sartorial horror ensued during her visit to the uN in New York this week, where the PM wore a dark wrap dress, bare English legs and pointed nude kitten heels to meet President Macron. Mrs Thatcher must be spinning in her aquascutum tweeds.
M
Is for Meltdown, which is what everyone is having.
N
Is for Names. back at Queuegate, more than 50,000 people have signed a petition for Holly and Phil to lose their jobs. Oh come off it. Perhaps they made a mistake, but they don’t deserve that. If This Morning fans think this is the worst way celebrities use their leverage, they are very much mistaken.
O
Is for Over. Is it over yet? Not quite.
P
Is For Pallbearers, the real heroes of the week. There is something about their shuffling endeavour, their step-by-step progress in the face of peril and hazard that sums up the dogged british spirit. all it would take is one stumble — and the outcome would be too terrible to contemplate. just thinking about it must surely make them wake up screaming. What do pallbearers have nightmares about, I wonder? They probably have nightmares about being Holly and Phil.
Q
Is for Queue, both the noun and the verb. Queueing is something so very dear to the british psyche and heart. We lead the world in standing behind others — always have done, mate, always will. In this, we are nothing if not versatile. We champion the single-file format along with the solitary line that breaks into multiple strands, should we ever find ourselves in front of several kiosks or tills. We are a river, flowing into a delta; we are the stem that branches into many blooms.
seconds after the queue to see the Queen lying in state opened, there was a ticketing system in place, ropes erected, zigzag tracks laid down, numbers and names taken. did anyone break that sacred system? You tell me.
R
Is for regret. Phil and Holly have a few. but then again, too few to mention. They did what they had to do. They saw it through with quite a large exemption, actually. They planned each charted course. Each careful step along the queue byway. and more. Much more than this. They queued their way.
S
Is for small pleasures. a biscuit with a cup of tea. The crunch of leaves underfoot. and Eamonn Holmes making the most of Holly and Phil’s discomfort. ‘They said they didn’t get a fast track — lie. They said they didn’t pay their respects to the body — lie. What else were they there for? I mean, let’s just tell the truth about the whole thing,’ he fumed on Gb News. delicious.
T
Is for TELLING THE Truth. It is also for Telling the bees. Let us also celebrate other seasonal british rituals, such as Turning on the Heating. Turning on the big Light. Turning off This Morning With Phil and Holly.
U
Is for uproar.
V
Is for VIPs who did queue. Including david beckham, susanna reid, james blunt and his wife sofia Wellesley. Line of duty actor daniel Mays described the experience as ‘magical’ and said it ‘made me proud to be british and proud to be a Londoner’.
W
Is for Waiting. for days, we were waiting for the special report on This Morning that was the reason for Holly and Phil jumping the Queen Elizabeth queue in the first place. ‘Here is this ever-moving line, which is in real contrast to the stillness of her,’ said Holly, putting on her best sadface. Was that it? I’m afraid so.
X, Y& Z
X Marks the spot where the reputational rot set in, Y is for why oh why did this ever happen to them and z is for zone, as in war zone. as Phil and Holly are now accredited journalists keen to bring the news from world hotspots on behalf of their viewers, can we expect to see them reporting from kyiv next week? We’ll all be queueing around the block for that.