AND FINALLY
Carers must take care of themselves
TWO weeks ago, I published a letter from ‘Alexandra’ about her selfish, difficult parents. It struck a chord with many readers.
As I’ve said before, it’s all very well for politicians to say it’s the duty of families to look after elderly relatives, but do they consider how difficult that can be?
The truth is, elderly people can themselves be very difficult. All the goodwill, sense of duty and sentimentality in the world can’t fudge that painful truth.
Elizabeth spoke for many when she wrote: ‘Please let Alexandra know she is not alone!’
Readers agreed with me that, no matter how hard, Alexandra must set boundaries, even when her parents sulk/scream, as they will. One reader, Sarah, came up with a whole list of good suggestions (based on experience), which I’ll share:
‘I got a carer in for my parents who didn’t want her but I stuck to my guns. Alex will have to persevere.
‘She doesn’t have to be a drudge and go shopping for them, when there is home delivery now — ask them to make a list each week; if they don’t, just order in what she knows they need.
‘Turn the phone off and switch it on twice a day (make sure they are aware of this happening and the times), post things up on a message board erected in the kitchen.
‘Look into equity release to raise finance on the house they live in, if they are short of money.
‘Be strong. When they start to have a go at you, don’t get angry, look at them compassionately, pat them on the shoulder and say you will see them later; walk out calmly and slowly, head held high. Leave it a good two days before you go back in. They will learn.’
When I was younger, I would have judged such advice unduly harsh. But now I know that carers have to look after and protect themselves as well.
How else can you be any use to anyone?
■ Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week. Write to Bel Mooney, Scottish Daily Mail, 20 Waterloo Street, Glasgow G2 6DB, or email bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk. Names are changed to protect identities. Bel reads all letters but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.