Can I really find the courage to leave after 43 years of loveless marriage?
DEAR BEL,
I’VE been unhappily married for 43 years — why have I stuck at it? I’ve never thought he loved me. When we married I got the job of a housekeeper/nanny, certainly not a wife.
My husband retired last November. While working, he was out of the house and I could cope with his controlling behaviour — in money matters and where the children were concerned.
Luckily, I had good support emotionally from my family and worked part-time so had my own money.
He was always a shouter, but since retiring he’s worse. He’s always around — apart from when he goes to the doctor’s or for an eye test etc. Narcissistic and a pathological liar, he says he’s discussed things which I’ve forgotten. It’s not true.
Our daughter is married with one child, living abroad; our son lives with a partner. They had such an awful childhood I keep quiet about my marriage and I don’t think they want to know.
My daughter talks to me on Zoom, but I haven’t had a private conversation with her for years, as he always makes sure he’s within earshot. He’ll be 80 next year and tells his friends what an awful time he has with me.
Writing this down makes me wonder why I stay. It’s because I have a good life with lots of friends, but when I return home I’m questioned in detail about where I’ve been.
Most evenings I sit alone while he watches TV in another room. You’ll tell me to leave him, but I don’t want to lose my children as they’ll feel sorry for him, as he’s good at that. I don’t think I have the courage to go it alone. What do you think?
HELEN
YOU ask me what I think, but you already know. You describe a long, unhappy marriage to a controlling man, and then tell me succinctly why you won’t leave him.
So what can I say? Your situation is one many readers will recognise — the permanent unhappiness, I mean, if not the controlling behaviour of a spouse.
Countless marriages limp along for a lifetime of quarrels and compromises; many men and woman regard their wife or husband with a cool, dispassionate eye, thinking: ‘oh well, I made my bed so I have to lie in it — any port in a storm.’
I don’t wish to sound cynical, but I am realistic. Settling for what you already have because the alternative is too scary . . . isn’t that actually pretty normal?
of course, it’s very far indeed from anything like a happy marriage, nevertheless you tell me you ‘have a good life with lots of friends’, suggesting that is a compensation for the state of the marriage.
Many women reading this will disagree and opine that you need counselling, that you are being ‘gaslighted’, that he is a controlling bully and you need to leave and so on.
All of which sounds true — nevertheless we return to your two reasons not to leave: a worry about ‘losing’ your children if they sympathise with him, and a fear of starting again on your own.
Your point about two adult children is unconvincing, so we’re left with a very understandable fear of the unknown.
As you’ve guessed, I think you should leave. Since you don’t actually want to, I suggest you buy your own TV and make yourself as comfortable as possible in whatever rooms you use.
That you answer his questions with the same boring formulae each time. That you communicate with your daughter privately through WhatsApp and be truthful about the whole situation, because she has a right to know. Sound off to those good friends whenever you can because you need to offload frustration.
By now you have probably developed a mechanism for blocking out his ‘shouting,’ which is good — and you might consider volunteering somewhere to get out of the house even more by doing good. If you are resigned to staying put, then do so on your own terms.