Is a husband who takes his wife’s surname a HERO or a WIMP?

Just one of the conundrums now being thrown up by divorce and sexual politics — as these leading authors, with radically different approaches, entertainingly reveal

I DIVORCED MY HUSBAND — NOT MY CHILDREN

As A young, rather naive woman I had an idealistic view of marriage. When I married, aged 22, I thought I was in our union until death us do part and taking this man as my lawfully wedded husband meant also taking his name. Besides, I had no particular affection for my maiden name — Ryan — and had, long before we were engaged, been fancifully trying out my new signature as ‘Jane Gordon’.

I had not yet established any career that might have necessitated holding on to my old name and I thought, blissfully old-fashioned as I was, that marriage was in itself my primary career.

In many ways my adult identity was forged in my marriage, which would endure for 25 years and produce three much-loved children: Bryony, Naomi and Rufus. Along the way I built up a career as a journalist with a byline that came to feel much more ‘me’ than my long forgotten maiden name.

Our divorce will always be a source of sadness and regret for me. But the idea of renouncing the surname I shared with my children was unthinkable; I divorced my husband, not my children.

For practical as well as emotional reasons it was important to maintain the name that would for ever link me to my ex-husband. It was essential that I remained, like them, a Gordon.

Moving on, and eventually moving in, with my partner of ten years (we never married) did not and could not wipe out the heritage I shared with my children. Had we married, or indeed should I ever marry again, I would still keep that name to honour the family we still — despite the divorce — remain.

Times have changed since I walked down the aisle. The tradition of taking the man’s name seems oddly archaic and antifeminist now. But the trend for adopting a hybrid marital name that creates more and more double — sometimes triple — barrelled surnames seems an unnecessary faff as well. so what to do? My daughters are much more aware of the dominance of ‘the patriarchy’ than I ever was. The elder one enjoys a professional and private ‘double life’, working under her maiden name but privately using her husband’s name. The younger, engaged for five years, favours the altogether more modern idea of a civil partnership, which would allow her to keep her own name.

Meanwhile my son, now 30 and single, is very much pro-feminist and could well end up taking the name of his future wife instead.