I can’t cope with my mum at 90

As THOse of us who have experienced the sadness and stress of taking care of an elderly parent know very well — there are no books to help you. I applaud your efforts to understand what’s going on by reading and studying, but I suspect there may be times when too much psychological jargon distances you even more from the reality of family life.

For example, does a phrase like ‘co-dependency issues’ help me or anybody else understand your childhood? There are no easy answers, I’m afraid, so I’m not going to offer glib suggestions.

Towards the end of my mother’s life, when (and I must be honest) she was unhappy and negative, all the textbooks in the world could not have helped. It was only the kindness of others (especially my husband) which made life possible.

You say your mother refuses to engage with ‘any issues I have with her’. Can I gently suggest it is too late to have the kind of discussion which (because of all your reading) you feel you need, yet which your mother is not equipped on any level to deal with?

Continuing to expect understanding and co-operation from her is only making your stress worse. When you took her on that family outing she may have felt isolated in the crowd, therefore ‘punished’ you by developing a bad back. Who knows? That’s why I urge you to try to ease the burden of care by involving other family members. It would seem wise to address old disagreements with siblings as the first step towards a less challenging future.

They may ‘try to ignore’ you, but I believe it essential for you to be honest about your own needs and your mental state. We have to learn how to say: ‘Help me, please.’ I know it’s hard, yet it can be a useful first step in asserting control when you feel helpless. What would happen were you to become very ill? even though you are the designated sole carer you do need back up.

You mention your children. I hope they give you emotional support and, if not, be honest with them, too. Have you been in touch with the charity Age UK? There might be a daytime ‘club’ run by a local branch that you could take her, too. I’d try any option.

When it became clear, in her last year, that my mother had changed and always seemed to be cross with me, for reasons I didn’t fully understand, I dealt with it by ceasing to expect more from her. It may seem impossibly difficult, but when parents become very old we save energy by breathing deeply and telling ourselves: ‘Accept this, because it will pass.’