Why do my grown-up daughters behave so horribly?

DEAR BEL,

I HAVE two beloved daughters, aged 29 and 33. Their father had multiple affairs, so we parted when they were eight and 12.

Their teenage years were difficult; we struggled to get along. I met my new partner fairly quickly and he has been a great stepdad. Their selfish dad has not been much of a father and, unfortunately, my elder daughter is selfish too, but I have always tried to avoid arguments.

When they went to university relationships improved. I have done everything I can — supported them through uni, helped them get on the housing ladder, been there for them whenever needed. We’ve been in contact on WhatsApp every day because we don’t live nearby.

My elder daughter is now pregnant with her much-wanted first child. But she took the news of the baby being a girl badly as she wanted a boy. Shocked, I told her ‘We’ll all love her’ but did say in a text, ‘You’re very lucky to have got pregnant so easily — some people can’t’, because of her reaction.

We started discussing names and she mentioned a couple of male names — and I said, ‘You can’t call a girl that!’ We fell out about it and eventually I apologised, as it’s not my decision.

After Christmas, I reminded both daughters I had received no thank you from their partners for their Christmas presents. My youngest replied with an abusive text calling me childish.

Then my husband got texts from my eldest, attacking me as a mother.

She called me demanding, lacking respect, offensive, critical, pushy, over-opinionated, judgmental — and said if I ever shared her problems again (I discussed her not wanting a girl with a very close friend because I was so shocked) she will disown me.

She said her friends, partner, dad and therapist know what I am like. Her therapist has never met me.

I spent the night crying and am still struggling with her accusations. I was so looking forward to being a granny. Now, I feel I don’t want to spend any time with my daughter.

I haven’t spoken to her since and don’t know how we will resolve this because I will never be able to forget what she has written.

I have not spoken with my younger daughter either. Depressed, I can’t see a way forward. My friends, husband and brother all say I don’t deserve this. Can you help?

MARINA

All family conflict is sad (I’m writing this with the King’s angry younger son in mind), but some situations are far more easily resolved than others. I truly believe yours is one of those, so beg you not to allow yourself to plunge in a downward spiral over the churlish responses of daughters.

Maybe they have grown accustomed to you trying to make everything right for them — just as when they were young and you felt you had to compensate for the divorce. I have a beloved daughter reluctant to accept criticism too! I’m afraid it’s not uncommon.

In their eyes, you committed two ‘crimes’ — which I’d call understandable mistakes. First you expressed two opinions — about the luck of the pregnancy and her ideas about names.

Then you pointed out that the girls’ partners should have been polite enough to thank you for presents. Quite right too — yes!

Yet the wisest counsel is that we mothers need to bite our lips.

last week my son said something unfair to me that rankled, yet I said nothing in protest — because I can’t stand conflict. The fact is, if your daughter wants to call her baby Tom or Fred you can’t do anything about it.

Then, you get used to not being thanked. Is this right? No, of course not, but younger people have different

rules and habits, and it’s a price we pay for keeping the peace. At this point I know I’ll receive cross emails from readers who say, ‘Why should we put up with this nonsense from our families?’

I can only shrug and point out that there are obvious rewards for putting up and shutting up. The obvious one is to avoid the misery you are feeling at the moment.

Yes, this reply is pragmatic and appears to ignore the fact that both your daughters have been unforgivably rude.

They clearly chat and bolster each other’s ego and resentment, and that certainly seems unfair.

Yet in your longer letter you make it clear how much you value the ‘lovely times’ you have all shared, and so what choice have you, but to work to bring them back? It’s a trade. If I were you, I’d leave it for a few weeks, then get in touch (not referring to the nasty things the eldest said at all) expressing a wish to put some money aside for nursery equipment, and what does she think? She might well be as keen to leave this behind as you are.