Sibling rivalry is tearing me apart
SIbLIng jealousy is a family complication many parents will recognise. In small children tension can arise over something as relatively simple as sharing toys or as agonising as the preference parents have for one child.
Let me be honest here: looking back I know I was my parents’ favourite child, and that it had dire consequences for my late brother.
no parent likes to admit to favouritism, yet it is real. Looking at the relative ages of your adult children it seems likely that the unhappy present has its roots in the arrival of that baby boy when the girl was three — horribly aware that she had been ‘displaced’ and so screaming for attention from parents whose fond gaze was now directed elsewhere.
It’s interesting that memory makes you write, ‘Our daughter was always more attention-seeking from the day she was born’ — when, of course, no new born child can be accused of ‘attention-seeking’.
They need feeding, sleep, stimulation and cuddles, and to sum that up with the pejorative ‘attention-seeking’ feels very wrong indeed. Yet I don’t think you meant it that way and perhaps that is at the heart of the problem. This is not about attaching blame to the long-ago past.
Your unhappiness at this rift within the family is painful and worthy of compassion. but don’t we all owe it to ourselves to be honest about the past we cannot change?
You present your three-year-old daughter as a ‘difficult’ child, prone to ‘tantrums’ who had to be ‘managed’. Where did that insecurity come from? How did the jealous three-year-old, understandably resenting the new baby brother, turn into the neurotic adult reduced to stalking her elderly mother’s Facebook feed for family moments she did not share?
Looking back to your son’s wedding, it seems to me your daughter had some grounds to be upset — and that he handled her disappointment less than well.
It’s too late, but I believe it might now be useful for you to identify times when your daughter might have been comforted with understanding and more kindness.
After all, she is still the angry three year old stamping her foot and throwing toys around, just to regain and retain her parents’ attention. She was sad then — and I’m sure she’s even sadder now. The person she is really hurting by her behaviour is herself.
Yes, it’s inexcusable for her to instruct you not to see your son and to swear at you on the telephone but, in your place, I would just continue to keep in touch.
I’d post pictures of dogs, kittens and flowers on Facebook (they cheer everybody up!), swallow your hurt and indignation at her abuse and try to build a bridge. Can you invite yourself to hers for a Sunday lunch? Or invite the four grandchildren for a sleepover at yours — exhausting but hopefully doable?
You have become the passive victim in this family rift. Some sort of conscious action on your part might restore harmony. All you can do is try.