Do I deserve this happiness now my husband has died?

DEAR BEL,

MY HUSBAND died in February 2021. He had pulmonary fibrosis and was ill for many years before his death and so it was a very lonely, loveless and sexless time for the latter years. After a year I told my two sons I was going to join a dating site.

They and my friends say this is too soon and I should be visiting the cemetery every two weeks or so. This is depressing for although the tears have ceased, there’s still a waterfall within.

I have spoken to a couple of guys but one I’ve met and really get on with.

He is 12 years younger than me but doesn’t care how old I am as long as we get along — and says I look pretty good to him. With him, I can forget how miserable I was during those last years when my husband was so ill.

But my sons’ and good friend’s reaction is making me feel miserable again. I do feel a bit guilty as I have only told my sister that we are having sex, but I feel people will know.

Honestly, if there is a new face cream out, I am first in the queue. I could be dead in a few years, so don’t I deserve some happiness?

MAGGIE

Imost certainly think you deserve happiness, just like all people — although for many it remains sadly elusive. surely these days there’s no acceptable ‘timetable’ for how long people mourn, although society will always have a view, and judge accordingly.

there are no rules for grief, although plenty try to make them.

Having said that, if my friend’s wife died and he starting chasing women pretty quickly I’d probably feel very uncomfortable indeed.

Just as it’s natural for you to want to have some fun before you get too old, so it’s also natural for

your sons to feel upset because you seem to be betraying the memory of their father.

I doubt I’d have told them about the dating site, at least for a while.

They were bound to have a view which would make you feel judged. It’s too late now, but as a rule our adult children have no divine right to know exactly how we spend our time.

So be tactful with them and keep your love life private.

Your friends (and maybe your sister) will have a different take and probably wish to protect you from the pitfalls of online dating.

That is quite sensible, since so many women (of all ages) get hurt by men only in it for the sex. If a man is younger that can make you even more vulnerable.

I write that as someone happily married to a much younger husband, but we must be honest about human needs and weaknesses.

Like you, I rush off to Boots to buy the latest miracle serums and creams, but know quite well the ageing process cannot be halted — no matter how hard we try. But it is normal to have that sense of ‘time’s winged chariot hurrying near’ and so I wish you luck.

But why not make an arrangement with your sons to visit the cemetery all together once every three weeks, in a spirit of remembrance and family love?