His affair leaves me heartbroken

DEAR BEL,

MARRIED 42 years, I just discovered my husband has been having an affair with a family friend. I had to go away for two days and found out he’d invited her to stay in our bed and after her doing an erotic striptease in front of him they had passionate sex.

He has texted her to declare his love and I know he’s phoning her every day. They are besotted.

Until I found out about this, I thought we were happy and would grow old together. We work well together, still go everywhere together, have children, grandchildren — a close, normal family. Finding out about the affair makes sense of recent strange behaviour: lying, disappearing, hiding his phone, being defensive.

I’m heartbroken, can’t eat or sleep. Will he want to leave me and live with her? Destroy our family unit? I’d have to move away where nobody knows me. If we separate we might have to sell our family home so our children would be affected. What should I do?

CHRISTINE

IT’S not hard to see why you’re distraught and I do feel very sorry for you.

Your husband’s late-flowering lust seems to threaten everything you hold most dear and it must be agony. Do you know about the ‘erotic striptease’ because you’ve seen their messages? It’s the only way I can think of.

Whatever the truth, breathe deeply and seek a strategy to deal with this horrible reality. Blind panic won’t help. None of your worst fears for the future may happen. This affair could be like a fire that quickly burns out as your husband faces practical reality. There is nothing mysterious about a new passion, but it does require careful handling on your part.

He needs to be helped to see that being ‘besotted’ carries a heavy price in terms of losing a whole family. Nowhere do you tell me if you have yet talked to him about what’s going on. Have you thought of counselling, either to assist you as a couple, or to help you deal with what’s going on? (Go to the Relate website to see what’s possible.) For that matter, why can’t you talk to the so-called family friend? You have a right.

If I were you I’d calmly tell him you know, ask if he thinks it would be a good idea to tell your children, and also whether he’s made any plans. The cooler you can be the better. Earn that oscar!

You could add that you will get a solicitor as soon as he tells you it’s necessary. I am assuming you love him and want to stay married, but if so, you will also have to learn to forgive.

All I can do is hope it works out for you.