We’re both 85, is a move sensible?

DEAR BEL,

MY HUSBAND was diagnosed with Parkinson’s 12 years ago and we managed it well. However, just recently he has slipped into Parkinson’s dementia and his short-term memory is significantly affected. He has also lost weight.

His consultant last week told us the decline is inevitable and will only get worse. I now do everything, taking care of pills, making decisions. I started driving again after years of being a passenger; it’s hard, but has to be done.

We’re both 85 and go everywhere together. But for the past three weeks I’ve had an ear infection which caused awful dizziness, so I’ve been unable to keep going. My dear husband had no comprehension I was ill. He could not cope if I got really ill.

We live in a lovely village which has everything we need plus lovely people. As a Cumbrian born and bred I’m in my right place and know I could manage on my own.

But most of my friends are now old, with their own problems. We have two lovely daughters — one in Kent unmarried, and one in Lincolnshire, with three lovely, kind children. They are very keen we move closer to them.

I am beginning to feel that for my husband’s sake it would be a good move and he wants to go. Also, selfishly, I think it would give me some respite. But we have got such support around us I’m scared to make such a big leap, to start all over again.

Then I think better to jump than be pushed. I just don’t know whether to start a new life for my husband’s sake. Please advise.

How hard it is to weigh your alternatives in the scales: the known versus the unknown, settled habit versus upheaval.

But we must also throw into the mix another vital choice, surely more important than the others. That alternative is loneliness versus love.

Your village sounds so pleasant and convenient. You have built a life there, in a part of the country where you feel you belong. That sense of belonging in a locality means more to some people than to others; for you it is clearly precious.

But even if that were not the case, the awful stress and strain of moving is bad enough when you are in your early 60s (the last time I moved) let alone two decades older. Change becomes more frightening as we age.

So I want you to know I understand why you have written, but nevertheless urge you to be brave and reach out to accept the loving hand held out to you by your Lincolnshire daughter and her family. There are inconsistencies in your letter which need addressing.

Most important is your assertion that you ‘could manage on your own’ if your husband died first. Yet you admit that your friends are now ‘old, with their own problems’ — and that you are lonely.

Even the most perfect village cannot combat that. also, you idealise the present as ‘all that is comfortable’, yet the reality is a ‘struggle’ for a woman exhausted by physical and mental demands which will surely get worse.

There is absolutely no need to criticise as ‘selfish’ your own longing for help, for respite. I believe that in the ideal world children and grandchildren should help the older generation. It used to be so much easier, when it was normal for families to stay in the same neighbourhood.

But I realise family care doesn’t always work out, and the situation can be very painful and emotionally draining.

Unfortunately many adult sons and daughters don’t want to know. But you have a daughter who is (with your three grandchildren) urging you to move closer, so that she can help. Isn’t that more precious than anything else?

It seems that, even though your poor husband is keen on this move, to ‘jump’ would be as much for your own wellbeing.

So, yes, the move will make you very sad and you’ll need maximum support from both daughters to organise it. But after that, I suspect you’ll discover that being taken care of at this time in your life will be a well-deserved blessing.