Hardcastle Ephraim
WITH Meghan’s legal soap Suits about to premiere on the BBC, will she retain dedicated viewers William and Kate? In Spare, Harry writes that when he told his brother and his wife he was dating Meg, ‘Their mouths fell open,’ adding: ‘I was baffled until Willy and Kate explained that they were regular—nay, religious—viewers of Suits.’ While Harry fretted that they might hound her for an autograph, what’s the Paddy Power odds on the Waleses tuning in on Friday?
RECALLING her 2004 TV jungle stint on reality show I’m A Celebrity, former BBC royal correspondent Jennie Bond claims: ‘I was told that the then Queen had expressed quite a lot of interest that I was buried in a coffin full of rats – something I think she probably wanted to do to me herself!’ She adds: ‘I was told she was “most interested” that this had happened to me, so it gave her a giggle.’
LILY Allen, pictured, recalls first husband Sam Cooper proposing to her with a ‘very lovely’ diamond ring. ‘At the time I didn’t feel it was big enough,’ she says. ‘I had an exact replica made of it with a bigger diamond, and I never told him. So I’d wear it and he’d catch it sparkling and he’d be like “Didn’t I do well?”. No, I did.’ Any wonder Sam’s her ex!
WITH Lady Bradford and Gyles Brandreth queuing to take the credit for Rod Hull’s demise, his most outspoken critic, BBC entertainment producer Michael Hurll, described him as the most ‘miserable, nastiest man’ he had ever met, adding: ‘And what he did with that Emu… I told him once, “Look Rod, you’ve got your hand in that Emu, up girls’ skirts and squeezing their t*ts, doing things you would get locked up for.”’ Was Hurll, who died in 2012, perchance lurking behind the chimney when Hull fell off the roof?
COMMENTING on the AI discovery of Plato’s last words complaining about a slave girl flautist’s lack of talent, Charles Moore notes that if it was Sir Francis Drake being rude to a slave girl there would be demands to remove any monuments to him. ‘Why is it only when the British had slaves that their guilt must be everlasting?’ wails his Lordship.
STEPHEN Mangan breaches confidentiality over his role in Radio 4’s upcoming bizarre sitcom about Desert Island Discs where celebratory guests meet on a real island. ‘It’s all gone very Lord of the Flies,’ he whispers. ‘The leader is Sandi Toksvig – everyone’s terrified of her – and Hugh Bonneville has gone rogue and has been ostracised. He’s flailing around in a lake with his top off trying to catch salmon.’
FATHER Ted’s daft Dougal alias Ardal O’Hanlon recalls meeting Camilla and Charles backstage after a West End farce. Ardal reveals: ‘Charles whispered to me “By the way, I love Father Ted”.’ To paraphrase Fr Dougal, did he ask whether Charles was very small, or just far away?