TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

Norwegian men are supposed to be perfect, yet Fiona Armstrong finds she is happiest with her own Viking

Fiona Armstrong on modern Nordic men

It is official, ladies. Norwegian men make the best husbands. You can forget those vicious Vikings; today’s Nordic male has morphed into a rather mild-mannered soul.

Yes, in this land of the midnight sun, macho is out – and mellow is in. Which we can testify to, for the MacGregor and I have just returned from a Norwegian cruise, with the chief giving lectures on the art of landscape photography, and me writing and eating my way through a veritable smorgasbord.

When the ship docks we explore coastal communities because here are fabulous fjords and tumbling waterfalls. Here are cute cobbled streets and colourful wooden houses. This is a place where folk do not drop litter and they wait for the green light before crossing the road.

Here is clean air, bright light – and those musthave men. Because, when it comes to husband hunting, Norway is now top of the list. True, he will probably wear a baggy woollen sweater, but then you try living north of the Arctic Circle.

Yes, he will eat vast shoals of salmon and, possibly, the odd whale burger, although all that fish oil must help the joints. And, of course, he may be addicted to chocolate, but a good dentist and a mania for exercise can sort that problem because if a Norwegian man has a sweet tooth, he is also super fit.

We spot a push-bike outside almost every home. Cycling, trekking, kayaking, ski-ing: if it works up a sweat, he’ll be found doing it.

And it’s not just a health thing. A Norwegian man may be unlikely to open a door for the fair sex because we women want equality, don’t we? But he will recognise that our work is important – more than half of his country’s politicians are female, and when it comes to bringing up baby, both parents must share childcare duties.

Importantly, a short Norwegian man can always boost his height by standing on his wallet. Norway is one of the richest countries in the world: high tax, yes; but high spend, too. Especially on social matters.

So why can’t Scotland be more like Norway? There is much to connect us. For a start, we have similar populations. Norway has an amazing coastline, and so do we. It has spectacularly scenic railway rides, and so do we. We share the same sea. We both have oil – and we have mountains to die for.

Importantly, the two countries seem to get on OK. Indeed, the last time we went to war was over the Hebrides, and that was in the thirteenth century.

So we could be more like Norway if we could only clean up our act and obey a few more rules. Like not dropping litter. And not crossing the road when the red light is on. To be like Norway, we need to eat more herring - and we must take up running and rafting. And, who knows, we could even set up a Sovereign Wealth Fund…

Yet, if we were to manage all this, could we actually persuade our menfolk to become more Nordic? The Norwegian male is said to be considerate and is rumoured to find the most boring things interesting.

I decide to test it out, and talk animatedly to the chief about the new shiny kitchen bin we may or may not invest in. Eyes glaze over. Attention rapidly turns elsewhere. The MacGregor goes off to swing an axe and fill the log basket.

And I rejoice that there is still some of the Viking left in a Scotsman’s soul…

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The Norwegian male is said to be considerate and find the most boring things interesting