THE END OF THE ROAD

After a series of calamities with his brand new pick-up, Guy Grieve may have to wave goodbye to his high-tech workhorse much sooner than planned

Guy Grieve is much aggrieved at his recent motoring mishaps

The world is, of course, getting a whole lot smarter and to a large extent this can be viewed as positive. We no longer have to sit in airplanes, buses, trains, restaurants, offices, pubs and taxis full of smoke. Overt rascism, homophobia and sexism has been driven from most sectors of our lives. However, recently I was reminded with a hard bump into a fence post and great deal of personal self loathing that my relatively new pick-up is just too smart for my rough and remote rural home.

I was reversing along a tiny unlit road with deep ditches on either side. I was having to inch along, looking more like one of our hapless tourist visitors with every yard I reversed.

In an old Toyota Landcruiser I once had, the road behind would have been powerfully lit by enough reverse lights to guide in a commercial airliner and one could easily and properly use one’s side mirrors to navigate happily in any conditions.

As an aside those Landcruisers were then used as ambulances for Medecin Sans Frontiers. Anyway, the situation I found myself in this time was just unforgiveable. This new smarter vehicle with a claim to be a great off-road workhorse was simply afraid of the dark.

There is only one reverse light and it’s on the offside of the vehicle which is perfectly good for illuminating the camera and street markings, and would be fine under lighting, but here that one light is just not good enough.

The light is feeble and does not provide any guidance for the wing mirrors and also it leaves the driver’s side in near darkness. And in remote, truly rural areas, the rear camera just does not work either as it’s often covered in mud. And if, by any slight chance there’s any rain, it is useless. Who on earth designed such a ridiculous set-up?

Anyway, with sickening inevitability I dented the bumper and tailgate badly. The next day I drove into the Harbour Garage in Tobermory and, with a degree of personal shame ,pointed at the damage. Lewis Gallagher, who runs the place, smiled and shook his head.

‘That’s the place that everyone dents these vehicles round here – no reverse light that end doesn’t help. That’s why I put extra lights on mine.’ ‘So this happens often?’ ‘Aye, all the time with these.’ I nodded sheepishly and said that nevertheless I was going to be embarrassed to park it on the mainstreet while I did my shopping, at which point he smiled with happy malice and said, ‘I’d be more embarrassed about that tache you’re growing’.

A week later the quote came through and it was a total nightmare. I’m not going to be able to pay it for months. Can’t use insurance of course and that rant is for another column.

To add insult to injury; everywhere I see my type of pick-up being advertised on mountain tops, crossing rivers, driving up remote rural lanes or even out in pure wilderness.

Well that’s all well and good as long as all those tough rugged types are home before it gets dark and it never rains and there’s no mud to cover the stupid camera.

No, the fact is that the market has changed, it’s got smarter and this type of vehicle is more often used to pick up the shopping or to reverse into a well lit parking bay in the city. The rugged off-road credentials are used to sell a dream of action while leaving those of us in the country in genuine darkness…

I’m fuming. And don’t even think of getting me started on boat engines.

“I looked more like one of our hapless tourist visitors with every yard I reversed