Fiona Armstrong is not too keen to follow the Chief's good example by cleaning out her old jalopy NOBLE STEEDS

The chief may have taken to a spot of spring cleaning, but Fiona Armstrong is still not overly enamoured by the idea of cleaning out her trusty old jalopy

‘When a man opens the car door for his wife, it is either a new car, or a new wife.’ It was the late, great Duke of Edinburgh who came out with that one. Dynamic and determined to make a difference, this sorely missed member of the royal family was industrious, dutiful, and never dull.

Throughout his long life, Prince Philip touched the lives of millions of people, especially the young. He left a lasting legacy and he will be much missed.

And so, it is HRH who comes to mind when I find the MacGregor busy with the hoover. Because my husband has not just discovered where the thing lives, he has taken it outside. He has plugged it in, the flex trailing through the office window and lying carelessly across the gravel. And now loud sweeping noises are coming from the well of his green Discovery.

The mess is being dealt with, and congratulations should be in order. But this is a rare sight and, naturally, my brain goes into suspicious mode. So to paraphrase the Duke:

‘When a man cleans his car – it is either a new car, or a new girlfriend…’

Call me paranoid, but something must be wrong. The MacGregor was once found vacuuming the floor of his office. It later emerged that he had spilled a bucket of ash over the carpet. In the normal run of things, clan chiefs and cleaning are not happy bed fellows. So, while encouraging, I express a certain surprise. Yet, why, I do not know. For it is a proven fact that a man is much more likely to clean his car than to tidy anything in the house.

Indeed, statistics tell us that the male of the species will go out and wash his vehicle far more than a woman ever cleans hers. And here I have a confession. I am afraid that my own car looks like a bomb has gone off in there at the moment. In fact, I can’t even remember the last time it was cleaned…

Maybe it’s all that hoovering that we ladies have to do indoors. Enough is enough, without worrying about things outside. But then I suppose that it depends on the car in question. If you’re driving a Jaguar sports, you’re more likely to keep it looking good than if you’re motoring around in an old banger. That’s my excuse, anyhow. There is little incentive to spruce up an old battleship.

Mine is a vessel that regularly transports dogs around. It can be found piled high with fishing tackle. It has to deal with muddy boots. It takes messy things to the recycling. And in these Covid working days, it has also become my travelling office.

Yes, with cafés shut and homes off limits, on filming days the vehicle is now a place to scribble notes and eat a sandwich and a packet of crisps. Dog hairs, crumbs, paper clips, bits of paper. You name it, it seems to have found a home in the well.

Then does it really matter? This is a ten-year-old auto we are talking about. It is a jalopy – and one not worth paying much attention to. That said, it does get its twice-yearly going over. A valeting to be proud of. The results of which last for at least a fortnight before things start to go downhill again.

Yet watching a man at work, conscience is pricked, I ask the chief to leave out the hoover when he has finished with it. Then I go down to the greenhouse where green mould marks the windows. I am afraid that the car will have to wait.

“I am afraid that my own car looks like a bomb has gone off in there at the moment