IF THE SHOE FITS...

Fiona Armstrong brazens her way out of what could have been an unforgiveable fashion faux pas

My horoscope tells me I cannot put a foot wrong this summer. It is a good time for the Sagittarian sign. It is written in the stars. But sometimes those twinkling lights can be misaligned…

I am heading to an event to mark Armed Forces Day. I must stress that it is outside and with social distancing.

The veterans will be there with their medals and they will be looking super-smart. So, as Her Majesty’s Lord Lieutenant for Dumfries, it is important that I, too, look the part. I have on suit, hat and gloves. The thistle enamelled Lieutenancy badge is carefully pinned to my lapel.

Happily, I also have the MacGregor with me. He is there to lend support – and has kindly offered to drive. All is well and good... That is, until we reach our destination.

Stepping out of the car I glance down at my feet. Just a final check to see they are clean. I then realise, to my horror, that I am wearing odd shoes and they could not be more different.

One is black with a wedge heel, the other is blue with a stiletto heel. One has a plain front, the other is adorned with a fancy bow. What is to be done? At this late stage, dear reader, nothing. Because someone is there to greet us. He is ushering me towards the dais. The piper is tuning up and the men are getting ready to march. I hold my head high and will the assembled crowd not to look down, yet I am sure that one or two of the audience are peering suspiciously at my footwear.

If challenged I decide to brazen it out and will simply laugh it off. ‘Oh, don’t you wear odd shoes? I always find it’s rather fun to mix and match, don’t you think?’

Shoe-wise, this has been a tricky month because over the last few weeks, the new puppy has been wreaking havoc with anything that sits on the floor.

Benny the Norfolk terrier has already worked his way through several pairs. First to go were my new slingback sandals. Another casualty were DD’s (darling daughter’s) favourite furry slippers. There were the laces on the chief ’s best brogues. And then there are the green Hunter wellies that now have a small bite taken from the top.

It may be boredom. It could be a sign of teething. What is it about dogs and shoes? Well, the fact is that feet tend to be the least fragrant part of a body. To put it bluntly, your shoes are chewy, and they smell like you.

I need help on this one and go online to find a dog training site, where I find some of the advice is not that helpful. One suggestion is to try boobytrapping your footwear. Or spraying them with a dog repellent.

In the end, the simplest way seems to be to move temptation to a higher place. To put boots up on the side and keep the closet door firmly closed. This way, naughty dog, the shoe will be on the other foot.

But back to our formal occasion. I am now making a speech in front of the old and the bold. And trying to hide one foot behind the other.

The men seem oblivious to the situation. Nothing new there. But one lady has noticed something. She is studying the ground around my legs. Official duties over I catch her eye. She giggles and I smile.

We then get back in the car. Bless her for saying nothing. Perhaps this is a good time for the Sagittarian sign after all…

“I hold my head high and will the assembled crowd not to look down