THE DANGER ZONE

Three generations of pups means three times the worry, and Fiona Armstrong has to decide which of her beloved pooches requires her immediate attention Illustration Bob Dewar

Fiona Armstrong finds that she has more hounds than hands

The newest member of the family bounces triumphantly into the kitchen. In his mouth is a ragged loo roll. In his wake is a trail of white tissue. It should be amusing, but this is nothing like the Andrex toilet tissue advert. Remember that one? The little cream puppy that expertly unravels the roll as he hops down the stairs?

But then a Lab is a Lab. And this is a Terror we are talking about. A Norfolk Terrier. What more can I say?

It is then we notice that the middle MacNaughtie is nowhere to be seen. Yes, someone has left a door open and the Chow has gone walkabout – again.

The loo roll is forgotten as boots are donned and paths are trod. It is not a happy start to the Chief ’s day for a man who likes a bit of peace at breakfast. But what is to be done? At the end of the day, dogs are dogs.

It is DD (darling daughter) who decides that a risk assessment is in order. So here we go. Up there in the red area is the six-month old Norfolk. And there the danger is not so much outside, as being young he tends to stick close by.

No, with the puppy the risk lies in the house. Pee, poo and chew are the main things to watch out for with Benbecula, AKA Benny. In order to mitigate the risk, everything must be placed out of reach – especially shoes and boots. Benny must not be allowed upstairs, and he should also be taken out at least once an hour.

Then there is the Chow Chow and she is put on the amber list because Delilah is fine inside. Fastidious in her habits this Chinese hound has never once soiled the house, although she did once rip up a carpet when accidentally locked in a bedroom for half a day. But then who can blame her?

No, the danger for this regal hunting animal lies outside. The Chow is rather too interested in the fields and their four-legged inhabitants. In her case, she must be kept on a lead – and watched like a hawk.

On the green list, meanwhile, is our faithful but ageing Cocker Spaniel. Now, in his prime, Barra might have also given the neighbouring sheep a run for their money, but these days he plods painfully around. But then he is pushing fifteen which I am told is a grand old age for a Cocker.

No, the main danger these days with Barra is his breath. Do not get too close, or you run the danger of being asphyxiated.

So, there we are. Red, green and amber, in that order. It is agreed where the risks lie, and we will assess the situation from time to time.

You can tell by now that the inhabitants of Armstrong-MacGregor Towers have had little to do this month. That said, we do drive down to Devon for a wedding. It is a fantastic affair, just what you need after lockdown, although the MacGregor does wonder why the groom, a Campbell, has a thistle pinned to his lapel – and not a sprig of bog myrtle, which is the Campbell clan plant.

I remind him that bog myrtle may not be available in that part of the world because it likes the wet, which means it is at home here in Scotland.

And how do we risk assess this plant? Well, bog myrtle is a herb that can cause skin irritation. Then the oil from the seeds is also toxic, so do not try to eat it.

Dogs, bog myrtle... When you think about it, life is just one big danger. Sometimes I just don’t know why we venture out of doors...

| ‘She did once rip up a carpet when accidentally locked in a bedroom’ |