‘I turned to drink to numb the pain of Gary’s death’

Whenever the phone went or she received a text message she thought it was him.

It was the second year after his death, when everyone who had helped her pull through got their lives back to normal, that she found the toughest. What kept her going was focussing on her boys, Ed now 21, and Tommy 20.

“Hearing them laugh again, having their friends around, helped so much. I’m very proud of them and how they have coped with everything. Their take on life is to take every opportunity you have and go for it,” she says.

“We talk about their dad and the things we did together, the great times we had. We don’t talk about why.”

Both Ed and Tommy inherited their dad’s instinctive love of football.

Ed was capped by Wales Schools and Tommy represented the Independent Schools FA at Under-16 and Under-18 level. Tommy was also a decent boxer and became a junior English champion.

Both moved to America when Neil Roberts, a former Wales international and a good friend of their father’s asked them over there to study and play football. Ed went to Herkimer College, New York and is now studying in Boston. Tommy got into Adelphi University on Long Island, where he is in his second year.

“Ed would eventually love to go into football, whether it’s coaching or playing. Tommy, who is doing a business degree is more open-minded. Football is not the be-all and end-all for him,” says their extremely proud mum.

“The main thing is they are both enjoying life out there. You never know, one day we might be seeing one of them playing in Major League Soccer. There’s a new club starting up in Miami with David Beckham. That would be nice.”

Louise says it wasn’t hard seeing them move 3,000 miles away from home because she wanted them to assume some normality. When they return to Cheshire on holiday she always feels there’s a part of Gary back in their house.

“I wish he was here now to see how well they’ve done. He would be very proud of them. He has missed out on so much of their lives. We’ve missed out on him and gone through so much pain,” she says.

“It’s something Gary obviously didn’t think of at the time. The rippling effects of what he did have devastated so many people. But you have to move on. You can’t stay trapped in the barbed wire. You have to box it away to move forward, although you never truly do. It’s always there. A big scar inside you that will never disappear. It’s tough. We had a lovely life.”

Louise finally feels in “a good place” and co-operating with this book has been cathartic.

“After Gary’s death I woke up thinking I don’t want to be me today. I don’t want to carry on.

“But I’ve got myself to a place of stability. I’ve got to find my niche now. I’ve got another good 10-20 years or more in me, hopefully and I look to the future with optimism.

“One of Gary’s great sayings was ‘you can’t move forward while you’re looking back.’ I still use it now. Because there is no going back.”

For confidential support, the Samaritans can be contacted for free around the clock on 116 123.

Gary Speed: Unspoken – The Family’s Untold Story, by John Richardson and published by Sport Media, is priced £18.99 and on sale Thursday, September 20.

Louise Speed is not receiving any proceeds from the book. At her request, we are making a donation to the Heads Together campaign.