A welcome visit from the mother-in-law? What are the odds on that?
DOUBLE TROUBLE FOR A FIRST-TIME DAD OF TWINS
“MY MUM is coming to stay for a few days,” Victoria announced.
“Great,” I said, and what’s most surprising about my exclamation is I wasn’t being sarcastic. I was genuinely looking forward to Victoria’s mum spending time with us.
Although, I’ve always treasured any time spent with Eve, the twins’ arrival had made moments with my mother-inlaw simply magical.
Interestingly, I’m of a generation who spent their childhood watching obese comedians smoking, drinking
bitter and telling jokes at the expense of women on primetime television to entertain us.
A more appropriate reaction based on my upbringing would have been: “Marvellous, I haven’t said a word to your mother in years, I don’t like to interrupt her.”
However, times had changed and so had my level of responsibility. Victoria’s mum is another capable adult willing to share the burden of children.
For example, if Emma starts crying and there are two people, my odds of being forced to do something are evens, which implies activity.
If Victoria’s mum is present those odds jump to 6/4 and although still worth a bet, I stand more chance of remaining seated than having to jump up and change a nappy.
However, we’ve got twins so if they’re both crying, I’m a dead cert for activity. Victoria’s mum lowers those odds but not enough for my liking.
Better still if my mum is in the house and we’re 15/8. With those odds, you’d fancy my chances of reading the paper and stick some money on it.
Naturally, you can’t just apply this logic to any situation, as the people involved need a bit
of prior experience, trustworthiness and show some interest.
The man smoking a roll-up, who smelt of alcohol with a dog, I once left the twins with outside a shop is not a safe bet for childcare.
This is why a large, crowded social gathering of non-smoking sober people is a good environment for the twins and a better one for me.
Out of 30 people in a party, you might hit 6/1, I’m almost a free man.
You’d be very ambitious if you made a bet on me changing a nappy, feeding a twin or offering assistance. At Victoria’s mum’s birthday party, odds were hovering around 9/1, which enabled me to eat lunch without interruption or anxiety. Part of the key to this was a strategic move from the baby’s location in the living room to kitchen, where I was closer to the alcohol. Although the best scenario has got to be a large family wedding with helpful friends. I’m very much an outside shot of 50/1 at being involved in childcare. Those very high odds are still nowhere near the chances of Victoria’s mum ever seeing this column.