Keeping the spiral of shame at bay

awareness and to treat yourself more kindly when shame shows up.

Untangle what you do from who you are.

IT’S natural to want other people to admire and approve of us but if our self-worth becomes defined by what we do and what other people think of us, we can be crippled by the sense of shame that follows in the face of perceived rejection.

Recognise that your actions are separate from your identity.

FOR example, if you make a suggestion that is turned down by someone, remember this simply means they didn’t go for your suggestion in this case, not that they don’t like you or that you are a failure in some way.

Know the difference between guilt and shame.

IN small doses, shame serves important functions that can help keep us connected to our social groups.

However, if left unchecked, it can start to control our actions and get in the way of living the lives we want.

In the worst cases, shame – which often makes itself known through the critical inner voice that tells us “you’re a failure”, “you’re no good”, “you’re unlovable” and so on – can lead to destructive behaviours and has been linked to a number of problems including addiction, depression, eating disorders and bullying.

Learning to recognise your shame and healthy ways of managing it is vitally important for maintaining your self-esteem and positive relationships.

First of all, it’s important to figure out what your own shame triggers are. We’re all different and some people will be more prone to experiencing shame in certain situations than others.

Shame has a habit of showing up when we are feeling at our most vulnerable. For example, somebody who was bullied for being overweight as a child may be particularly sensitive to comments about their appearance as an adult.

Reflecting on your own experiences can help to develop

PEOPLE often get these two emotions mixed up. Simply put, shame means “I am bad”, while guilt means “I did something bad”. If you have done something that doesn’t fit with your values or moral code, guilt, not shame is the more appropriate emotional response.

Where necessary, use your guilt to guide you in repairing situations and relationships. Admitting when you’ve made a mistake and putting things right can help you stay true to yourself and keep shame at bay.

Dr Ellie Milby is a counselling psychologist