Practical ways to show someone you really care
ONE of the most important skills for maintaining relationships is validation – the art of showing people that you recognise, understand and value their feelings and opinions.
When we’re validated by others, we feel more able to open up and be our true selves, without fear of being judged or criticised.
By comparison, invalidation often leads to feelings of shame and can damage relationships.
Validating others doesn’t mean we have to agree with everything they say and do. It means paying attention to others, being willing to put yourself in their shoes and skilfully communicating your understanding of what they’re experiencing.
Every conversation we have is an opportunity to learn something new so don’t assume you know what others are going through. Pay attention to what the other person is communicating to you. Actively listen to other people’s perspectives, opinions and reasons for doing things. Be willing to view the world through their eyes.
Reflect on what you have heard the other person say or do to be sure you have understood them correctly. Gently ask for clarification if you need to and be willing to adjust your own position based on the other person’s feedback.
Be sensitive to what people are communicating through their facial expressions and body language. Take account of what is happening now and what you already know about the person.
Look for how what they are feeling, thinking or doing makes sense based on their past experiences, the current situation and their present state of mind.
Saying
“It sounds like you really need help figuring this out” but not offering help or, “you look like you could do with a hug” and not offering a hug could have the reverse effect of invalidating the other person.
Remember, only validate the valid. We can validate the reasons why a person is feeling, thinking or doing something, even if we don’t agree with what they are actually thinking or doing.
Even when we disagree with someone, we can find the kernel of truth in their perspective.
In relationships, look for the middle ground. It brings us closer together.