‘I was a man’s man but trying to be tough left me on brink of suicide...’
SIMON Clarke was a self-proclaimed man’s man who had worked in sport his whole life. But after masking his underlying feelings for so long, Simon hit a brick wall in 2020 and was diagnosed with depression and severe anxiety.
The 36-year-old from Penarth was diagnosed with depression and anxiety that he says was “10 years in the making”.
After his wife Louisa gave birth to their firstborn son Reggie in 2019, she suffered with her own mental health and encouraged Simon to have a chat with a therapist.
Simon agreed to speak to a therapist out of “curiosity” more than feeling a need to talk things through with someone – yet despite this he said: “If I really sat and thought about it, I had been exhausted all the time, I couldn’t concentrate, I was crying all the time, I didn’t enjoy the things I used to.
Deep down I think I knew something wasn’t right.
“After pouring my heart out in this hour slot with a therapist I was told I was depressed but in the same mouthful they said, ‘See you next week’. I was left in no man’s land for a week. It came as a shock to me.
“The only advice they gave was to look at online leaflets but I didn’t see the point in that because I told them how I felt – I didn’t need to go and read it again in an online leaflet.”
After a few months of therapy
Simon had applied for a new job but wasn’t successful.
He said: “It was a Thursday in June 2021 as I sat in McDonald’s at 2am. I couldn’t sleep and I spent the rest of the day crying.
“Later in the day I went for a walk alone down Barry headlands and I stopped at the edge. I got it in that moment.
“In that very moment I had reached the point where I understood how and why people take their own life.
“I don’t know what made me turn around. I suppose I had a little bit of resilience left in me but it was a real turning point.”
As Simon headed home safely he realised things really needed to change. He spoke to his family, who all agreed he needed to take some time off work.
After shutting his laptop down, he spent the next 40 minutes on hold to the doctors surgery. They said that all the appointments were full unless it was an emergency and Simon said: “But it is.”
He was signed off work for three months and in the months that followed after shutting his laptop that afternoon he thought of everything but work. He really focused on himself and tried to improve his own mental health.
He said: “I didn’t once think of phoning any of the mental health charity helplines. I had already tried talking, I wanted solutions to my problems now.”
Slowly but surely Simon started seeing the benefits of therapy and talking about things and he then started encouraging “the lads” at the rugby club to open up and talk things through.
Being a self-proclaimed man’s man who lived and breathed rugby and all things sport, it wasn’t in Simon’s nature to openly talk about things.
He found it really difficult and despite trying to talk to some of the other men in his family, he always got a very “stiff upper lip” response.
The men Simon had around him now and throughout his life always proved that men were doers not talkers.
He said their actions showed that they cared but never usually expressed themselves through words.
After having a son of his own,
Simon really didn’t want to have that same attitude with his young boy.
It was because of this that Simon founded Speakeasy Club.
It started off when Simon invited over two of his friends who spoke about sport, wine and books and through these catch-ups they then inadvertently started talking about the big issues that they all faced.
Simon said: “I realised that by talking about the fun stuff it naturally leads to talking about the harder stuff.”
Speakeasy Club is designed specifically to improve mental health after the challenges posed by the pandemic.
The club’s mission is to normalise discussions about mental health by having meaningful conversations about the small fun topics which then hopefully lead on to deeper issues if people need someone to talk to.
Simon said: “We need a culture shift. It’s not about raising awareness anymore. If you had an injury you’d go to the doctor and get it sorted – why wouldn’t you do the same thing for your mind?
“The issue is that when we do talk about mental health it’s the afterwards, the ‘now what?’ moment. Listen to understand but not to respond.”
As Speakeasy Club has evolved Simon now records podcasts about anything people are passionate about.
He talks about sport, books, and wine. While he encourages safe drinking he says it’s important for society to embrace drinking culture as a tool to get people to open up.
“After one or two glasses of wine we’re all a bit more confident to talk about our problems.”
Simon said that a true measure of his success will be in 20 years time when his then adult son will turn to him and not be afraid to open up and talk about his own mental health.