Dear annemarie...

Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues

I’VE lived with my partner for more than 12 months. I thought we were compatible; we were attracted to one another, and shared similar interests. He was fun and I thought we were in love, but unfortunately it’s transpired there’s differences. I came from humble beginnings whilst his is privileged. He inherited his home and has never had to work hard for anything, whereas my family had to put much effort into building their future. We changed our circumstances through hard work with my brother and me taking Saturday jobs to help pay the bills. I feel like the rented lodger in my partner’s home instead of a co-equal partner. I do much for him but he rarely shows any gratitude. He invites his friends around here any time of day or night, and some make me feel very uneasy. I’ve tried talking to him and reasoning with him but he doesn’t take me seriously. If I tell him I’m uncomfortable around his friends he just laughs it off. Now, I question our compatibility. Are we right for each other?

JA

There are many points I’d love to address here so I’ll do my best to cover a few. It sounds like your partner may be emotionally immature and lack a sense of responsibility, something he may be totally unaware of. It’s possible that initially you may have been attracted to the carefree side of him and saw his behaviour as fun and entertaining, as you had experienced an upbringing that required you to quickly grow up and take on responsibilities. Subconsciously you may have thought you could’ve made a difference in his life, possibly to bring about a change of attitude, or to have offered him care and guidance, in the hope that the two of you would have progressed to being on level ground with each other. However, living with someone with emotional immaturity is exhausting and living with ingratitude and disconnection is upsetting. Regarding his friendships it’s possible he still loves to hang out with them because they feed his ego, and are less likely to challenge or question his behaviour.

We can get caught up in the heady days of romance and believe that attraction, shared interests, and enjoying each other’s company is love, but I don’t believe it is. I believe that in a truly loving relationship, both parties will give all the attention that’s needed to allow each partner to feel fulfilled, and gratitude and respect will be given without condition. It’s not a guessing game, real love is secure, and without these values the foundations will crumble.

So what is a compatible relationship, and what is a relationship that projects love? I believe we can be compatible with friends and colleagues by enjoying shared interests and company. Compatible people can work though an argument without selfishness, being rude, or demonstrating unreasonable behaviour.i believe we can have compatibility without love, but I don’t believe we can have love without compatibility. Love is a much deeper emotion, one that compels you to be close and motivates you to protect, treasure, and nurture each other. It makes your heart jump for joy and is deeply rooted in physical and emotional connection, providing an open ear and showing a united front when needed. Love can demonstrate itself where words aren’t necessary, keeping you safe and secure. I hope this allows you to reflect.

■■If you would like Anne-marie to help you through this column, email her on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com with your issue

■■Anne-marie can be contacted on annemarielearcounselling@gmail.com or 07951 933028 for a counselling appointment. Therapy sessions are held online via Zoom or Skype. Anne-marie is a fully qualified counsellor and member of the BACP (MBACP)