Dear annemarie...
Anne-marie Lear is an experienced counsellor who has helped many people overcome struggles including mental health issues, bereavement, isolation and relationship problems. Here she offers guidance on a range of readers’ issues
MY relationship with my mother was distant, apparently at birth the nurses took me away from her to be weaned as she’d experienced a difficult childbirth and was exhausted. We never developed a close relationship; she always said I was a naughty child as I constantly cried. I know I wasn’t misbehaved, so never understood why she denied me affection. I’ve early memories of her overfeeding me, but being made to sit on the sofa, and never her lap. She seemed unable to cuddle me and I never went to her for consolation and kept my thoughts to myself. My relationship with my father was closer but he was more interested in my education which he paid for privately, I felt pressured not to let him down. I developed an eating disorder in my teens and was hospitalised, but through professional help I learnt to be more in control. My parents’ relationship grew cold, which was sad, there was much love between them at the beginning, but my father could be quite demanding. I think she felt distant from him, after 20 years together they split, something I think he regretted. My relationship with my partner has broken-up, making me question all these areas of my life. Initially we were happy, he’s affectionate, but he said he feels there’s a distance between us and if I’m honest I still go through bouts of unexplained sadness. Last weekend he left, saying he wants me to consider what I really want out of life. I wasn’t expecting this and I’m devastated as I expected this relationship to work. Can you help me work through this please?
CS
I feel your sadness as you recall past memories, and the maternal bond that never developed. I believe those earliest days are so precious and crucial for developing maternal attachment. Psychologically your mother was suffering, and possibly had little support for her needs. I’d like you therefore, to consider how it must have felt to be separated from her baby. Her sense of loss and the stress of childbirth may have placed her under immense physical and emotional strain, leaving her detached and confused. It wasn’t the best start to your relationship and may have led to the deterioration of her relationship with your father.
We then see this detachment mirrored in your own life as you learnt to survive rather than thrive under these circumstances. Subconsciously your mother may have learnt to use food to try to satisfy you rather than giving her love to soothe you. Overfeeding may have been the start of your unhealthy relationship with food, leaving you with a feeling of unfulfillment and lack of gratification.
As you matured I believe you were searching for a relationship based on unconditional love, but if a child hasn’t been shown love, or learnt to love, it can be no surprise when they experience difficulties in not only showing affection to others, but also to love themselves. Your partner was trying to fulfil those needs, but subconsciously I feel your mind and emotions are still dwelling on the past and you’re not at peace. Gaining an understanding of why we feel the way we do can bring great freedom, I’d like you to consider what would bring you peace and happiness, and what vision you have for your future, including whether or not it includes your relationship with your partner.