8K TELEVISION

Wait! I haven’t even made it to 4K yet! After all the time we’ve spent banging on about Ultra High Definition tellies these past few years. For shame! And now you’re doubly behind the times with the launch of Sharp’s 70-inch LC-70X500. Also known as the world’s first 8K TV, this monster is due out later this year and boasts a frankly ludicrous resolution of 7680x4320. That’s 16 times the fidelity of the pathetic Full HD TV you’ve got sitting at home. Frankly, we’d just stick that thing in the back of your car right now and dump it in the nearest skip. It’s a disgrace. So what can I watch on it, then? Wait… you didn’t actually think this TV was for looking at, did you? Fool. Why bother with the latest Bargain Hunt when you can bask in the pyrrhic glow of your moral superiority? As of right now, none of Netflix, Amazon or Sky have any plans to broadcast in 8K, and the BBC hasn’t even stepped up to the 4K plate yet. Still, Sharp claims its flagship Aquos model captures the “ultimate reality, with ultra-fine details even the naked eye cannot capture”. Remember when you got fed up with bog standard reality last Tuesday and couldn’t figure out why? Now you know. I bet it’s ultra-affordable as well. Of course. Only a total prole would consider a price of about a million yen (roughly US$9,000) anything less than a bargain. The LC-70X500 will initially be on sale in Japan and China only, but if that thoroughly reasonable price isn’t enough to convince you to import the thing, consider these noble words from JFK: “We choose to watch stupidly high-fidelity content and do other nonsensical things not because they are easy, but because they are hard.” And remember, that man knew a thing or two about TV – he faked the Moon landings.