Chills and spills over for bizarre icy drama
AND the award for the most bizarre TV drama of the year goes to... (Sky Atlantic, Thursday). There is no other contender. This series is set in a remote town in the Arctic where the body count rivals Midsomer
Murders on village fete day. It makes the remake of Twin Peaks look like Holby City.
The sad news is that this third series will be the last. Is that because they’ve run out of actors who relish going out in a swirling snowstorm playing a drunk who is taking pot shots at passers-by before being chased across a treacherous flat roof?
Of course, in many parts of America that passes for entertainment. As it does in
Fortitude, apparently.
The shooter, in this instance, was Hollywood actor Dennis Quaid who is used to appearing in pleasant films admired by children, such as The Parent Trap. Here he plays, with some gusto, Fortitude’s functioning alcoholic Michael: “My name is Michael and I can barely see anything through this enormous parka hood!”
He appears to have something of a death wish. But typically in Fortitude, when someone wants to die, no one will oblige them.
Anyway, no one there is interested in a mad gunman. That’s for the real world. There, they still want to know why in the first series Ken Stott’s governor jumped head first out of a window. After a day in the local pub, you could predict a field day for local glaciers, sorry, glaziers. But no one really cares for the dead governor either because it looks like actor Darren Boyd is going to take over which should be a good laugh for us all.
Added to that, we also witnessed an attempt to cure a nasty (terminal?) skin complaint endured by a rich Californian lady. This involved stringing up her son by his ankles after they’d travelled to Fortitude. She and her sidekick then extracted some magic liquid from his neck.
He seemed rather surprised at this upsidedown Oedipal horror show but it’s what we’ve come to expect from Fortitude. The miracle cure appeared to work, like some warped episode of Ten Years Younger. We know Santa lives on the nearby North Pole but I can’t even imagine him visiting this crew.
The episode finished with Sheriff Anderson (Richard Dormer) hugging the charred torso of his decaying lover and proving that the beautiful tundra makes a lovely setting for a mass killing. I won’t spoil the fun of the final few scenes but I have to say most of the victims looked relieved they won’t have to eat the local food any more. Big congratulations to writer Simon Donald, who has created a truly original drama which will never be imitated.
How do you follow that? Well, with former Strictly contestant Debbie McGee on
Fortitude Best Christmas Food Ever
(BBC1, Friday), talking about Christmas dinner in her house. “I often get so excited about gravy,” she enthused in a daytime show with so much festive cheer that I was eyeing the Gaviscon. Clearly, no one here was preparing food for anxious relatives in the next room who were asking, “Is the turkey cooked yet? We’re starving.” Presented by chef Paul Ainsworth and “home cook” Catherine Fluvio, the show tried to come up with different ways to do the same Christmas classics. Why? This meant that we ended up with roast duck on toast, although at least that made a change from avocado. “Making an effort on a dish like this says everything about Christmas,” said Ainsworth boldly.
For dessert, we were treated to “dark chocolate cake with sweet orange cheese” but not before we were advised to roast our potatoes with seaweed. Was Heston Blumenthal sniggering somewhere in the background? As they quaffed a white burgundy, Debbie urged us to try the “sucking credit card game”. There was no demonstration, alas. It was daytime television after all. What a magical Christmas it must have been in the Paul Daniels’ household. Don’t cheer too loudly but
(BBC1, Sunday) is no longer with us. Praise to everyone who made it through the entire six hours and continued to wonder why Charlie had put herself through the whole thing.
Of course, she did well in the end and helped to bring down a Palestinian terror cell who didn’t really suspect her all the way along. Really? Never has a fringe theatre actress done so much in the service of her country. Well, for Israel really, because English spy handler Charles Dance wanted none of it. “You run the operation,” he told the Mossad boss.
The same creative team is poised to bring us The Spy Who Came In From The Cold in a six-part series. Can I suggest they re-watch The Night Manager so they can see what an entertaining Le Carré looks like? Otherwise keep the story on the bookshelf, please.
Final word to Simon Cowell who at last expressed frustration at his own format in
(ITV, Sunday). As contestant Scarlett Lee finished one of her numbers, he complained: “I don’t want them drinking worm juice in two years’ time,” an obvious reference to former contender Fleur East who starred in this year’s I’m A Celebrity. Don’t knock a glass of blended fish eyes until you’ve tried it.
Drummer Girl X Factor Final The Little The