Mystery and murder in a new age of Poirot
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STAND DOWN all other actors with a ’tache, or those who are growing one especially. We have our new Poirot, so no more grovelling applications in wobbly Belgian accents please. Bring on the enigmatic John Malkovich. Obviously no one can ever replace David Suchet who actually became his moustache, and indeed the character, so much so that you could imagine the famed method actor twiddling it at home.
Suchet did the entire Poirot portfolio and is now the standard by which we judge others.
But Malkovich in (BBC1, Wednesday/Thursday/Friday) was a tour de force, once you forgot that he had only slightly repackaged his novel French accent as Pascal Sauvage in Johnny English – “clearly ze aptly named English is a fool”.
Screenwriter Sarah Phelps had also created the perfect script for Malkovich, a distant, ageing detective holding on to past secrets but not forgetting to “buy more hair dye”.
Here the Belgian was down on his luck, with the local police detective played spiritedly by Harry Potter’s Rupert Grint – indeed, he’s a revelation – unimpressed by the foreigner, snarling at the once famous sleuth “getting about like you were a celebrity”.
The greatest disappointment? That former Inspector Jap, played by the excellent Kevin McNally, was thrown away in one scene as he promptly fell down dead outside his potting shed. I feel the same way when I walk inside one too. Does Malkovich eclipse Kenneth Branagh’s turn as Poirot in Murder On The Orient Express? Easily. Branagh’s wild growth was so luxuriant and commanding it could have doubled as a hedgerow. Let’s not spoil the party but this was undoubtedly a pre-Mr Beeching murder game. Most of the railway stations are cafes now so the story would need to be renamed The
Costa Killer.
But this drama will be for ever remembered for the more harrowing moments endured by its prime suspect Mr Cust, in a veritable ABC of S&M in a B&B. We were guided on a journey by
The ABC Murders
the landlady’s daughter Milly, who indulged her guests with a variety of services. For our Mr Cust, it involved eschewing the “shilling for the ordinary”. Instead Cust had Milly walk down his boil-ridden back in her Jimmy Choos, inserting a stiletto where it would bring him greatest comfort. All the while Cust gnawed happily on a sample of the fancy lingerie he was purveying. The BBC... always challenging our perceptions of what makes a festive drama.
Incidentally, the first Christmas Day show on the BBC was in 1936 when one BJ Hulbert gave “a demonstration of turkey carving”.
As excitement goes, anyone who started watching (ITV, Christmas Day) must have wished to turn back the clock to the 1930s. One of the key ingredients of a drama is... drama. And a “sporting drama” needs competition. Instead we got endless shots of headless skating, rickety old buses and bad CGI crowds over two hours. And was Christopher Dean really this nasty? He once taught me to skate badly, and I think not. This was “Dullness
Torvill & Dean
on Ice” and the biggest turkey of the season. The script was plodding, too: “You need a man to... emote”. I need a story! The biggest revelation about history’s greatest ice dancing couple was that Chris bought his copy of Bolero for “20p from the library. They were getting rid of old stock.” More ho hum than ho ho ho.
(BBC1, Sunday) did its best despite John Cleese phoning in his performance with great aplomb. He has said he was delighted to hear that the comedy had been recommissioned because he appreciated “sitting-down acting”. He’s actually very good at it now.
Thank goodness the excellent Jason Watkins was on hand, winding up all in his midst. And who doesn’t like an over-sized Christmas tree scene? National Lampoon does it the best but it’s always a funny routine. (And it didn’t stop the barmy boys from
(BBC3, Monday) who were nicking them from front rooms and dragging them out the bay windows. Alas, the market, lads, for used real trees is time sensitive).
And what about Hold The Sunset’s Truly, Madly, Deeply moment in the bedroom for Phil (Cleese) as his dead wife made a cameo? The real nightmare for this actor would not be this image but that of another divorce lawyer.
Hold The Sunset Christmas Special Christmas Special
TThe Young Offenders
HERE were many touching moments at (BBC2, Christmas Eve), particularly from the boarders. They got treats, as they should. Said one: “I get Coco Pops...” Not a great treat but indicative of the sheltered world in which they live. And why are there no choir girls? Only a brave person would bring that up over the Christmas table and live to tell the story. A poignant, enjoyable film.
Lastly, we need little help to nod off over the Christmas week as we digest another repeat but thank you so much for
(BBC4, Christmas Eve), the latest joy in the “slow TV” genre. After the three-day trip across Australia by rail, we had a change in the weather and in mode of transport here. I think the reindeers, rather gentle creatures, won the day. But of course I’m sure that next year we will return to televised turkey carving over the festive season. Happy New Year!
Migration Christmas at St Paul’s The Great Reindeer