Oops! I put my foot in it again...
■ THE NOTIONAL “shopping basket”, invented by the Office of National Statistics, has been around for 75 years – an indicator of changing lifestyles. This year, for the first time, the man’s suit has been removed from the must-haves. Suits are out while anti-bacterial surface wipes, hand weights for home exercise and sports bras are in.
Men certainly stopped being booted and suited when the pandemic hit and they worked from home.
But we’ve been threatened with the demise of the suit for ages before that. In the 1990s, as firms started to turn the workplace into a kidult play area men began to turn up for work in combat trousers and baseball caps.
“Dress down Friday” merely accentuated this abysmal trend.
Why oh why? The suit is a wonderful garment, tailored to improve a man’s body and conceal his flaws. It hides a multitude of sins, the principal one being that British men have no idea how to dress if left to their own devices. Look no further than Cary Grant.
If only all men could dress like him what a wonderful world it would be.
SO THERE I was clip-clopping down the stairs in the London Underground on my way to an event which – while not exactly high fashion and formal – seemed to require a little effort. Glancing down at my feet I noticed – with sudden breathless alarm – that I was wearing one brown ankle boot and one black ankle boot. In my hurry to catch the train I’d fished out mismatching footwear from the shoe rack under the stairs.
Did it matter? Obviously not. The world’s on the brink. I should be grateful to have shoes.
Would anyone notice? I looked at all the busy people scurrying hither and thither. And as far as the eye could see everyone else in this great metropolis, no matter how unconventional, how careless with their appearance, was wearing trainers, boots, flip-flops, court shoes, pumps, loafers, brogues or stilettos – that matched. Perfectly. Everyone, that is, apart from me.
Now I know that mismatched earrings are permitted. I remember a picture of that Trump girl, Ivanka, with a bejewelled chandelier hanging from one ear and something else from the other. It’s a money-spinning fashion quirk which means you can sell single earrings rather than pairs.
And once the exclusive right of teenagers, it’s now perfectly acceptable to wear a green sock and an orange sock. Then you must have that mind-numbing conversation about how socks go astray.
Funny how people always seem to think they’re the first to notice and present it as a new and entertaining observation.
Further research confirmed that in one episode of Sex And The City, Carrie Bradshaw (played by Sarah Jessica Parker) appeared in mismatched Laboutins which was interpreted in some style guide as “a pioneering power play”.
In 2011 actress Helena Bonham-carter strode down the Golden Globes red carpet in a pair of mismatched shoes with one green heel and one pink. She was “just having fun”, she said.
Well that’s all very well if you’re Sarah Jessica Parker or Helena Bonham-carter.they do kookiness for a living. I don’t. Mismatched boots don’t look cute, they’d look as if I’m losing my marbles.
For a fleeting second I considered stopping off at a shoe shop to buy a new pair of boots. But that would have been pathetic and an unnecessary expense. So I toughed out the meeting and (a cunning ploy, this) tried to prevent anyone from seeing both boots at the same time by placing my handbag between my feet.
Though I had things to contribute to the conversation I remained silent in case anything I said drew attention to my foot shame.
And I almost got away with it. But on the way back to Waterloo I passed a woman who looked down in the direction of my feet, then looked up.
Our gazes met. She had seen! And what I saw in her eyes wasn’t admiration at my bold fashion statement.what I saw was… pity.
‘Mismatched boots don’t look cute, they look as if I’m losing my marbles’