Tales for today’s tastes...snow joke
THE FURTHER we get from the
Covid pandemic the more crazy the lockdown rules sound. Even at the time
– and though so little was known about coronavirus – it seemed to me that people who were washing their food shopping before letting it in the house were bonkers.
I couldn’t understand that level of fear and nor could I understand the glee with which every outrageous infringement of our civil liberties was welcomed.
At least I resisted banging pots and pans outside my house on athursday evening.
I hated all that. But to say it back then would have been near treason.to question anything was tantamount to saying you didn’t care about people dying.
Hancock’s mission, revealed in his Whatsapp messages to “frighten the pants off everyone” was – in fact – highly successful.the true implications of lockdowns on children, the economy and the vulnerable were never addressed, except by a few who dared put their heads above the parapet.they were called irresponsible libertarians as a result.
Nobody ever took the Government to task in a serious way because it would have sounded uncaring. I hope they do now.
BUMPED into a neighbour who – in his 70s – is doing a university degree. He wasn’t happy.
His class had been cancelled by college authorities because of the threat of wintry weather and travel disruption.
“It really is the perfect example of snowflakery,” he grumbled.
I see what he means.
QUEUEING up atwhsmiths to buy the world’s finest newspaper I noticed that the lady at the till was dressed like Captain Jack Sparrow, complete with something rubbed on her face to give the impression of manly stubble.
“Why are you dressed as a pirate?” I asked, suddenly wondering if it was OK to ask this sort of thing in case she identified as pirate gender and would be triggered. “World Book Day,” she said.
“But it isn’tworld Book Day any more,” I said. “No, but you know,” she replied.
No, I don’t know really.
The tyranny ofworld Book Day with its obligatory fancy dress is taxing enough for parents and children.
But since when were shop assistants obliged to take part? And since when was Pirates Ofthe
Caribbean a book?
LADYBIRD Books are reportedly using “sensitivity” readers to massage problematic fairy tales such as Snow White, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella into woke versions. I think I can be of some help here...
CINDERELLA
Cinderella’s frightful stepmother and hideous stepsisters make her do all the menial work around the house. Cinderella realises that she should be more supportive and resolves to stop telling them that they’re absolute mingers. As a result of this positive affirmation, the no-longerugly sisters ask Cinderella if she’d like to go to the ball with them.
Not wishing to look like a stereotypical sex object Cinders wears jeans and trainers rather than the ballgown and glass slippers which the fairy had picked out for her.
Just before midnight the handsome prince asks her for a date without filling in a consent form. She is so disgusted that she runs away.as she is in trainers she doesn’t leave a shoe behind. So she never hears from the prince again. The end.
SNOW WHITE
Snow White’s stepmother is battling with symptoms of the menopause and spends all her time looking at herself in the mirror wondering why she is no longer the fairest of them all. Sensing her antagonism Snow White goes in to the forest and lives with seven men of restricted growth.
Which is, um, absolutely fine.
Unable to get her HRT prescription, a red mist descends and the stepmother gives a poisoned apple to Snow White who sinks into a coma.
The handsome prince wakens her with a kiss. Sadly he has not filed a consent form either.
Snow White denounces him on social media and joins forces with her stepmother to make a documentary about how awful men are. They both transition and live happily ever after. The end.
SLEEPING BEAUTY
The wicked fairy is not invited to Princess Aurora’s multi-faith naming ceremony.the King and Queen apologise for any offence caused. “Too little, too late” snaps the wicked fairy who has been called “wicked” and “fairy” for as long as she can remember, something which has affected her mental health.
She says that Aurora will prick her finger on a spinning wheel on her 16th birthday and die. The King orders that all spinning wheels must be destroyed which causes the economy to tank and leads to a backlash among eco-extremists who demand a return to traditional artisan crafts such as spinning and weaving.
Aurora joins the eco-warriors.
When not glueing herself to the road she helps manufacture a new generation of spinning wheels made from recycled bicycles. Naturally she pricks her finger and falls into a death-like slumber.
The handsome prince considers waking her with a kiss but is unwilling to do so without her prior consent.
Bad luck Aurora! The end.