Agony aunt
By Jane O’gorman and Dr Rosemary Leonard
I am exhausted. I do everything for my family and no one lifts a finger to help. I work full-time but when I get home at 6pm everyone is sitting around waiting for me to start dinner. The potatoes aren’t peeled and the table isn’t laid.
My husband, daughter, 15, and two sons, 18 and 21, are on their phones and only greet me once the meal is finally on the table. Even then I get all sorts of moans and groans if they don’t like the food I’ve conjured up. My daughter complains my dishes are old-fashioned and boring, while my sons say there is never enough to eat.
Then I tackle the washing up and put some washing on
– but I daren’t vacuum because everyone complains about the noise.
In general, if something needs fixing, buying or sorting out, they text me (even if I am in the same room) to add it to my never-ending “to do” list.
When I complain about lack of support, my husband counters that he works hard, too, while my kids rant that they can’t wait to leave home. Admittedly, my husband does have a tough job – but will things be any better when he retires in six years’ time?
I spend my life clearing up after everyone else and I’m sick of it. The other day my 21 year old texted me at work. He wanted me to come home on my lunch hour to iron a couple of shirts because he was going away with his girlfriend’s family. When I refused, he simply took some money from my emergency pot and bought two new ones. When I fumed, he said it was my fault for “being such a bad mother”.
Thankfully, I still have my elderly parents who support me and bail me out financially. Their cosy home is my sanctuary. On particularly bad days I feel like moving back there permanently. How do I begin to shake things up when no one in the family takes me seriously?
Your family don’t take you seriously because you continue to let them get away with too much. Tragically, they have no respect for you (or what you do) and simply expect you to act as their drudge.
Speak to your husband. Explain how close you are to the edge. Is he willing to see things from your point? Together you need to start working as a team. You have to talk about his retirement in general and his contribution to family life in particular. You also have to rally the “children” so house rules are finally established.
Your offspring are no longer babies. They have individual talents and plenty of energy and need to learn life skills. If your daughter is such a foodie, why isn’t she taking charge of the evening meals? If your sons are such great fans of technology, introduce them to the wonders of the washing machine and vacuum cleaner.
We are all different but if it were me, I’d draw up a rota and give everyone a chance to prove themselves. If they didn’t, I’d go
on strike. I’d go to my parents’ house and allow myself to be thoroughly indulged and spoilt. Unless you show your teeth, they are never going to appreciate all you do.
As for the money your eldest stole from your emergency stash, what is he doing about paying it back and making it up to you? He definitely crossed a line that day and acted like a spoilt brat. If you can’t trust him, where does he go from here?
Contact Jane at S Magazine, Second Floor, Northern & Shell Building, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN or email jane. ogorman@express.co.uk. Jane regrets that she cannot reply personally to your letters.