22 Life as I know it With comedian and actress Arabella Weir

Actress and comedian Arabella, 61, lives in north London

Not a lot of people know this but I’m very good at… letters of complaint. I’m pretty articulate and I’ve always used rather old-fashioned words to make them think they’ve got a nightmare on their hands. Little do I appreciate… well, can you imagine? The voice of my great aunt, who is long dead, is in my head while I write them. Just to be clear, I only write these letters when I’m in the right.

My best friends are… the two girls I was at school with. We all came from crazy families and that’s how we found each other. Also David Tennant and his wife, a historian called Helen Castor and my neighbour Jane. I couldn’t have managed my life or raised my children without them.

My nickname is… Arry. You have to know me very well to use it. I was given the name at school. People often get confused. I don’t look much of an Arry now and I don’t think I’m much like an Arabella either.

The bravest thing I’ve ever done is… nursing my best friend Helen as she died from cancer. To be perfectly honest there was quite a lot of bodily fluids. It was revolting but I switched off. I didn’t want her to die, but she needed me. I’m not sure brave is the right word. It’s just what you do when you love someone.

My favourite TV show is… Breaking Bad. The kids were probably a little bit too young for it but we watched it all together. Oh my God, I loved that show.

My perfect evening is… hanging out with my friends, and my kids if they were willing to stay, is my idea of perfection.

I’d like to say sorry to… my beloved granny from Melrose in the Scottish Borders. I adored her but I didn’t see her as much because we lived so far away.

My first kiss was… absolutely thrilling, and the first time I kissed with tongues. I was about 12 years old and convinced I was doing it wrong. That’s a lesson for life isn’t it. You think everyone else knows – whatever it is – but the truth is, they don’t. It was with a boy called Gillis and I don’t think he was very keen on me.

The one thing I’d change about myself is… my tendency to be introspective. I’m hyper self-critical, which I think most performers are. It’s been the fuel of most of my comedy. While self-criticism is an incredibly useful tool, you don’t want to nit-pick the whole time. I’m afraid I do that a bit.

The last time I cried was… I was trying to get my son to teach me the dance that Drake does in one of his videos. I do a bit of it in my Fringe show as a joke, obviously. My son snapped a bit and I burst into tears. He was ridiculously bemused.

The best thing my parents taught me was… not much. The only thing they taught me was a work ethic. They did it too much in my case. You need to earn your place in society, community and at work.

The first record I ever bought was… Hey Hey We’re The Monkees. I’m just too young to have been a Beatles fan, so I loved The Monkees.

It’s not good for my image but I like… alcohol. I love wine but it doesn’t love me, as my granny used to say. It doesn’t have control over me but I’d find it quite easy to be an addict. If there were no problems with it, I’d open a bottle and sit in front of the telly all day. I see the appeal of obliteration.

My greatest weakness is… Judge Judy. I don’t like reality shows. I think they’re appalling and debasing of the world, but Judge Judy offers willing participants and a resolution. She’s an absolute genius.

If I could pass any law I would… get rid of all private and funded religious schools and make all education state. One of the biggest problems we have in this country is education. We should have a “one size fits all” system.

I drive… a Nissan Qashqai. It’s not diesel and it’s incredibly efficient. I love it, even though I look like a rural vicar in it.

The shop I can’t walk past is… Marks & Spencer. I can always find something I want in there. My first job was as a checkout girl at the Camden Town shop. I loved it.

The most expensive thing I’ve ever splashed out on is… my kids’ university education. It’s money well spent. It doesn’t seem as expensive as their rent. I’m spending a decent wage a week on rooms in houses.

In a film, I would be played by… Miranda Hart. Although we’re not that similar physically, she feels like me.

The worst job I’ve ever done is… After I left Marks & Spencer, I worked in a cake shop in Soho. I had to wipe down the glass that the cakes were behind. The woman that ran it made us go over the tops of the iced buns with the same cloth to get the sheen back. That was not on.

My perfect Sunday is… a big lunch that goes on all day with friends, family and kids. We’d all be flopping around on the sofa and playing games.

My favourite place in Britain is… Plockton in the Highlands. It’s the most magical place in the world. My mother’s uncle lived there but he was killed in the First World War. His widow stayed. When we went to Scotland to see our grannies, we’d travel further to see her. It’s in the Gulf Stream so it’s unusually warm for Scotland. We’d go to the beach and the seals would come right up and play.

My last holiday was… It’s always Italy. My mother lived there in the late 40s and the woman she shared the flat with stayed and married an Italian. When we weren’t in Scotland we’d holiday with them in Florence. It’s my other home from home.

I’m currently reading… Poverty Safari by Darren Mcgarvey. It’s about the divide in Glasgow. I’m fascinated by how the fifth richest country in the world can still have that level of poverty. The best day of my life was… when my children were born. I was statistically old when I became a mother so I felt incredibly lucky when my daughter and my son were born.

If I had half an hour left on Earth I’d… ring up everybody I love and tell them not to be upset but to celebrate my life, know how much I love them and how important it is to make the most of your opportunities.

“My nickname is Arry. You have to know me very well to use it”

Arabella Weir: Does My Mum Loom Big in This? is on at the Assembly, George Square Studio 2, Edinburgh, from tomorrow to August 25, at 4pm. For tickets, see edfringe.com.