My resentful partner insults my children
My partner cannot get on with my grown-up children who he labels stuck-up and nerdy. He is openly rude to their faces and I struggle to cope with his nastiness. His own two children (from his first marriage) haven’t done anything with their lives. The eldest lives with a much older woman on a rundown farm. He hasn’t worked for years and exists on cheap food and cider. The daughter has various children by different men, all of whom have been in and out of prison. She is currently living in Spain. Both constantly ask for money, which we have to ignore.
In contrast, my ex-husband has remarried and is successful. He and I have a brilliant friendship, which my partner is jealous of.
He also resents my sons, who work hard, volunteer for good causes and are a credit to me. He likes to refer to them as “the nerds”, which hurts.
They are both very intelligent and any time they come over he attempts to take them on about politics, religion and sport. They inevitably wipe the floor with him and he stomps off in a massive strop.
Underneath it all, he’s not a bad bloke, but I just wish he could be a lot more gracious and grown up. My sons tell me he’s not good enough for me and that I’m wasting my life. But on a good day, he can be nice.
At the moment I’m worried because my eldest son is having work done on his house and has asked if he, his wife and child can come and stay (for free) for a couple of months. This is my home and it is solely in my name. My daughter-in-law is a forthright woman. She once told my partner he needed professional treatment for his inferiority complex.
What must I do when I feel so torn between the two sides? Please don’t allow this man to stay just because he’s become a habit and you’re worried about being on your own. You say he can be nice “on a good day” – but what about the rest of the time? You deserve to feel calm and contented in your own home, every day.
I suggest you look him in the eye and tell him all his nonsense has to stop if you’re to remain together. You don’t want to hear any more nasty comments about your sons or your ex. If he feels threatened or inferior, then that’s something he needs to deal with and get treatment for, if necessary.
What you won’t tolerate is him alienating you from your family, chipping away at your confidence and attempting to have you all to himself. If he is to carry on living in your home, then he needs to raise his game and grow up. Is he capable of change?
Equally, you cannot allow your eldest son to take advantage of your situation. Why does he want to stay with you rent free? Is he going to contribute to food and household bills? Is he going to set up a rota regarding cooking, cleaning and generally helping out?
Your daughter-in-law may well be
an outspoken woman, but is she going to expect you to baby mind and support her, too? These things need to be discussed before they set foot through the door or there will be more unhappiness and friction ahead.
Ultimately, this is your house and you must decide what happens next. Resolve to be your own person and stand your ground if you begin to feel that any of them are losing respect or are yomping all over you.
Contact Jane at S Magazine, Second Floor, Northern & Shell Building, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN or email jane. ogorman@express.co.uk. Jane regrets that she cannot reply personally to your letters.