Agony aunt
Advice from Jane O’gorman and Dr Rosemary Leonard
It may sound weird, but these lockdowns have made me realise my own worth. For the past 12 months I’ve kept the family together. I’ve shopped and looked out for my parents and in-laws while homeschooling the kids. I’ve worked part-time and helped out at a local food bank. I’ve felt valued and useful. I’ve also met new people while walking the neighbour’s dog and realise that I’m respected.
After spending years in the shadows I now feel confident for the first time ever. I’m actually skilled at caring, baking and juggling – who knew? But sadly, my husband has not had a ‘good’ lockdown. He’s lost his way and has struggled to cope.
In ‘normal’ life he makes all the important decisions. He books holidays and makes big purchases without even discussing anything with me. Once he came home and announced that we were moving to a new town. He’d sold our house to a friend and picked out a new place for us 50 miles away. He was desperate for our eldest son to join a better school. Our son was devastated to be leaving his old friends behind but was told to be quiet. I didn’t have any say in my new home, which was horrible. We moved again soon after.
If I’m honest, my husband has made a lot of bad decisions over the years, but he has never apologised or admitted to being wrong. A lot of the time he’s obsessed with impressing his snobby sister, who considers herself far superior to the rest of us.
The other day he grudgingly admitted that I’ve successfully held everything together this past year. So how do I ensure that he doesn’t start to take charge and overwhelm me again once the lockdowns end? It’s taken me a very long time to realise that I’m a person in my own right and that I have a lot to give. My own sister, who I Zoom call every other day, says she hardly recognises the sparkly, confident me these days, but in a good way. During times of adversity, certain people shine, and you’ve proved yourself to be capable and steady during an extremely difficult point in history. Cometh the hour, cometh the woman… From taking control of family matters to finding time to volunteer, you’ve held your nerve and ploughed on.
It’s unfortunate that your husband has struggled to cope. But it’s pretty clear to me that things can never go back to how they were before, because too much has happened. For years he ruled the roost with no recourse to your feelings. When the time is right, you and he have to talk about everything.
Ultimately, he has to hear that you now know your own worth. Build on your personal successes and remind him that you’re his equal. Unfortunately, things were rather uneven in the past and that has to change. Stand up for yourself and never forget that it’s healthy to have regular discussions and occasional arguments. If your husband is still struggling to cope, then encourage him to contact his GP. Alternatively, he can call The Samaritans (116 123) if he’d like someone different to confide in.